Paper Luigi and the Generic Title
by Koopa Kid
Summary: Luigi goes on an epic adventure of, um... epicness! Parody of Paper Mario, for the Nintendo 64 .
1. Prologue

Paper Luigi: Quest for the Star Spirits

By: Koopa Kid

Prologue: Something Happens

_Once upon a day time bright and sunny, as I poured myself some honey, there came a *click click CLANG!* from my mailbox. "Mail's here!", said the Koopa, but then out came my brother (he's kind of stupid) and he yelled…_

Mario: **NEVERMORE, **you stupid mailman!

Mario throws a fireball at Parakarry, which makes him quickly fly away.

Luigi: Mario, why did you do that?! He just delivers our mail!

Mario: That's EXACTLY why I did that! Remember our last few letters he gave us? "Mario, we're being attacked by warships!", "Mario, let's go to Dinosaur Island!", "Mario, I've made a cake!"… and so far, every time that I do what one of those letters say, I have to go rescue her from Bowser! It's total bullcrap!

Luigi: Mario, don't be selfish. How do you even know that this is a letter from Peach?

Mario raises his eyebrow.

Mario: EVERY letter is from Peach.

Luigi: Well yeah, but that's beside the point. Don't you think we should at least read it first?

Mario laughs.

Mario: That's a good one, Luigi… now, can you burn that for me? I'm going back to sleep.

Mario yawns and walks back into the house.

Luigi: Hmph… see if I ever get anything for YOUR birthday again.

Luigi takes the letter out of the mailbox, opens the envelope, and reads it.

Luigi:

"_**Dear Mario and Luigi, **_

_**You have both been invited to a party at my castle, where there will be food and other various refreshments… and Bowser and his minions might raid the castle and kidnap me, due to the complete lack of security, but what are the chances of that? :D Please come!**_

_**Love,**_

_**Princess Peach".**_ Wow! Hey Mario, we got invited to a par-

Luigi glances back at the house.

Luigi: … Meh, what he doesn't know won't hurt 'im!

Luigi crumples up the letter, tosses it on the ground, and runs off towards Peach's Castle.

Meanwhile…

Luigi stops in front of the gate, where there are two bouncers guarding the door.

Bouncer 1: State your name please.

Luigi: Luigi!

Bouncer 2 looks down at his clipboard.

Bouncer 2: Hm… Luigi, Luigi… nope, you don't seem to be on the list. Sorry, can't let you in.

Luigi: What?! But there has to be a mistake! She invited me!

Bouncer 1: Sorry, you're not on the list. We don't make the rules!

Luigi: … Do you take bribes?

Luigi gets booted to the garden by Bouncer 1.

Bouncer 1: Beat it! Or else we'll have to get rough with ya'!

Luigi dusts himself off and looks around the area.

Luigi: Hm… maybe I can sneak in through the back door.

Luigi runs over towards the backyard.

Goomba: … We're in position, Lord Bowser!

Bowser: Excellent… we'll launch the attack in five minutes. Bowser, out.

Goomba puts away his walkie-talkie and spots Luigi running aross the yard.

Goomba: Luigi?! What's he doing here?

He peeks through the bush and sees a Chain Chomp trying to get off its peg.

Goomba: Hm…

Luigi: … What's that barking sound?

He looks behind him and spots the Chain Chomp, angrily gnashing its teeth and speeding towards him.

Luigi: YIKES!!!

Luigi runs away from the Chain Chomp, which makes the Goomba roll out of the bush, laughing its head off.

Luigi: … A Goomba?!

Luigi picks up a stick.

Luigi: Hey, boy! Want the stick? Want the stick?

The Chain Chomp pants like a happy dog.

Luigi: Go get it!

Luigi throws the stick, which lands on the Goomba's head.

Goomba: Wha-

The Goomba sees the Chain Chomp heading towards him and runs away; Luigi dashes through the back door.

Luigi: Whew… I'm glad that I'm away from all that madness…. but why am I in the basement?

Bandit: Hey, bud… want this watch?

Luigi: What does it do?

Bandit: Nothing. It used to be able to tell time.

Luigi: … How much is it?

Bandit: Whatever you want it to be.

Luigi: Ya' know, I might get Mario a present after all…

Toad bursts through the upper door.

Toad: MARIO!!! I've been looking all over for you!

Luigi: B-but, I'm not Mari-

Toad ignores him and drags him upstairs, to Peach's room.

Toad: I brought Mario, your majesty!

Peach: Thank you, Toad… now can you leave us here, in peace?

Toad: Yes, Princess Peach.

Toad leaves the room.

Peach: Now… let's do this.

Peach starts to slip off her dress.

Luigi: P-Peach, what are you doing?

Peach turns around.

Peach: Luigi?! What are you doing here?!

Peach pulls her dress back up.

Luigi: I didn't tell you to stop…

???: Yeah, he didn't tell you stop!

Peach and Luigi turn around and look through the window, where they see Bowser in his Klown Kopter.

Bowser: Er… I mean, time to kidnap you!

Bowser crashes through the window and hops out of his Klown Kopter, landing in front of Luigi and Peach.

Bowser: Luigi, eh? This shouldn't be much of a challenge…

Bowser breathes fire, which Luigi dodges. Luigi then runs up the wall and hops off, landing on Bowser's head, where he promptly does the Mexican Hat Dance.

Bowser: GAH!!! Get off!

Bowser throws Luigi off his head, but Luigi uses his Green Missile move (from the Smash Bros. series) to head butt Bowser in the gut, making him fall down.

Luigi: Heh… upside down and helpless, just like any other turtle!

Peach hugs Luigi.

Peach: Yay, Luigi! You're the best… next to Mario, that is.

Luigi blushes.

Luigi: Heh heh… thanks.

Bowser hops back up.

Bowser: You think you can beat me that easily?! Kammy, bring me the Star Rod! … Kammy?

Kammy: Shut your yap, you whippersnapper! I'm comin'!

Her broomstick is slowly inching towards the door. Bowser looks at his watch.

Bowser: UGH…

Luigi: I think she's almost there! Wait, never mind, she's stopping to take her pills…

Bowser: JUST THROW ME THE FREAKING THING!!!

Kammy: Aw righty! I was good at throwing Javelins in my wonder years!

Her arm slowly inches back.

Bowser: I SAID THR-

Startled, she quickly threw the Star Rod, which bonks Bower's head and lands in his right hand.

Bowser: Ouch! Um… yeah, I have it! Try and beat me now, Plumber!

Luigi jumps on Bowser's head and off… which does nothing.

Luigi: N-not even a bump!

Bowser winds up a punch.

Bowser: Goodbye, paisano!

Bowser punches Luigi, which makes him fly out the window.

Peach: LUIGI!!!

Bowser: Neither Mario nor Luigi can save you now…

Bowser laughs maniacally.

Elsewhere, 1 day later…

Luigi is lying on a bed, sleeping. Seven magical stars suddenly appear, floating over Luigi. Each star looks unique. There is one with a bushy white mustache (Eldstar), one with a sailor's cap (Muskular), one with a brown mustache (Kalmar), one with a pink bow (Mamar), one with a pink bowtie and holding a book (Klevar), one with a brown mustache and glasses (Skolar), and a pretty Angelic star with a headdress (Misstar).

Eldstar: Here he is, everyone… the Hero of Legend.

Muskular: I thought you said that the Hero of Legend is supposed to wear red clothes?

Eldstar: DON'T QUESTION YOUR ELDERS!!! I know the Hero of Legend when I see 'im, dag-nabbit!

Muskular: Sorry…

Muskular rolls his eyes.

Kalmar: Now is not time to argue. We must work together! Everyone's wishes depend on it!

All of the Star Spirits remain silent until one of them speaks up.

Misstar: Hero of Legend… or Luigi, am I correct? I'm not sure if you can hear us, but you must go to the Shooting Star Summit. We don't have much time left in this realm… you must make haste!

Skolar: Yes, indeed. Do what the fine lady inquires.

The Stars slowly fade away.

Mamar: Ooooooh, swirly!

Just as they completely dissapear Luigi rises out of the bed, rubbing his eyes.

Luigi: Ugh… what just happened?

Toad quickly bursts in.

Toad: Luigi! You're finally awake!

Luigi: Toad? What's going on?

Toad: Bowser made Peach's castle rise up into the air somehow, but I escaped just in time! I saw you fly out of the window, so I followed you. Thank goodness that Goombaria saved you just in time!

Luigi: Goombaria?

Toad: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we're in Goomba Village, it's populated by only a small family of… well, Goombas. Don't worry, they won't harm you.

Luigi: Friendly Goombas, huh? Wow, that sounds pretty crazy… speaking of crazy, did you hear someone else in the hut with me?

Toad: No, I didn't hear anyone other than you. You must've been dreaming!

Luigi shrugs and walks out of the hut, waving on the way out.

Luigi: Bye, Toad! I'll see ya' later, I guess.

Toad: Bye, Luigi!

Luigi walks towards the exit and stops in front of a Goomba with a mustache.

Luigi: Helllloooo….

Goomba: Goompapa!

Luigi: Right, Goompapa! Do you mind telling me where a place called Shooting Star Summit is?

Goompapa: Sure, just go straight along that path and it should take you to Toad Town. The path to the Shooting Star Summit should be right behind the Princess' Castle.

Luigi: Thanks! I'll be going now.

Kammy: Doggone it! I ran out of laxitives! Now my stomach's gonna ache for weeks!

Kammy spots Luigi.

Kammy: Hey, you're that scrawny little young'un that tubby was fighting earlier! If he find out that you're still alive… he might take away my Beatles records! I WON'T LET THAT HAPPEN!!!

Kammy pulls out of her wand and zaps the air, which somehow makes a giant block land on the ground, in front of the path.

Kammy: That should keep ya' busy!

Luigi: Um… I could always jump over that, you know.

Kammy: Uh, well… Shut up, you whippersnapper; OR I'LL GIVE YOU A SPANKIN'!

Kammy flies off.

Luigi: Um… right.

Luigi tries to jump over it, but is blocked by an invisible force.

Luigi: I can't jump over the block?! What the heck is going on?!

Goompapa: The blocks here ignore the laws of physics; so the only way that you can get past is to smash it with a hammer.

Luigi: Ugh… whatever.

Luigi reaches into his pocket.

Luigi: Oh CRAP! I left my hammer at home! Do you know where I could get one?

Goompapa: Sure, Goompa should have one. He's in there, working on the veranda.

Goompapa points at the house with one of his feet.

Luigi: Thanks… god, this exposition is boring. I feel sorry for whoever's reading this.

Goompapa: Reading? What are you talking about?

Uh… you heard nothing, fool! NOTHING!

Goompapa: Where did that voice just come from?!

A hand appears out of nowhere, a zipper suddenly appears, and the hand unzips it, revealing a vortex.

Goompapa: Uh… what's that for?

The hand picks up Goompapa and tosses him into the vortex and zips the wormhole back up. Now, does anyone else want to mess with me?!

Luigi: Uh…

He sweats and bolts into the house and through the backdoor.

Luigi: Goompapa said that he would be here…

Luigi looks down and notices that he's not standing on anything.

Luigi: Aw, shi-

Luigi falls down and lands face first on the ground.

Luigi: That could've gone better…

Goompa: You're telling me? I think that this falling business strained my back… and a few bones.

Luigi: But you're a mushroom. You have neither of those things.

Goompa: Oh yeah… by the way, did you find my gel on the way down here? They make my eyebrows extra bushy!

Luigi: Er… interesting.

Luigi spots something under Goompa.

Luigi: Um… what are you standing on?

Goompa: Oh, this? It's my backscratcher! But as it turns out, I don't have a back, so you can have it.

Goompa gives the object to Luigi.

Luigi: This isn't a backscratcher, you old fart! It's a hammer! Wait… A HAMMER?! We're saved!

A small Koopa (who's still in his eggshell) jumps out of a tree.

Koopa: Hey, you jerks! Get out of MY playground!

Luigi: Who are YOU supposed to be?

Koopa: I'm Jr. Troopa and I'm the baddest dude since Mr. Schwartzy! Now get out of here before I boot you out myself!

Luigi: Screw off.

Steam comes out of Jr. Troopa's ears.

Jr. Troopa: That is IT!!! You are gonna get it!!

Jr. Troopa charges towards Luigi and at the last second he whacks Jr. Troopa with the hammer (as if it were a baseball bat) and sent Jr. Troopa flying.

Jr. Troopa: JR. TROOPA'S BLASTING OFF AGAIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!

A star appears in the sky after he flies out of view.

Luigi: Wow, that seemed to be effective!

He looks at Goompa and smirks.

Goompa: Don't you dare…

Luigi whacks Goompa with the hammer, jumps on top of him, and jumps off when he's over Goomba Village.

Luigi: Now to whack that block!

Luigi does so.

Luigi: Gee, how descriptive.

Shut up, you!

Goomba with Blue Hat (you should know who he is): Hey, you're Luigi, right?

Luigi: Yeah. Who are you?

Goombario: I'm Goombario! {Excellent… maybe if I follow Mario's loser brother around, I can finally meet Mario in person!}

Luigi: You do know that you said all of that out loud, right?

Goombario: We should be going to Toad Town!

Luigi sighs.

Luigi: Whatever.

Luigi and Goombario proceed through the path until…

Red Goomba: Hey, you!

Goombario: Me?

Blue Goomba: No, you! The green one!

Bush: For the last time, I did NOT take the last Red Bull!

Red and Blue Goombas: The OTHER green one!

Luigi: Yeah? What do you two losers want?

Red Goomba: You're Luigi, right?

Luigi: That would be my name. Don't wear it out.

Blue Goomba: Well, we can't let you past! King Goomboss commands it!

Luigi: Well, tell your king that I'm gonna shove both of you up his rear end if you two don't freaking move!

Goomboss: You're going to shove them up my butt, eh?

Luigi looks up.

Luigi: Yes. Do you have a problem with that?

Goomboss: As a matter of fact, I do!

Goomboss leaps into the air and Luigi kicks him just as he's about to land, making him fall of the ledge and into the water below.

Red and Blue Goombas: Wait! Take us with you!

They both jump into the water and land next to Goomboss.

Goomboss: You idiots, Goombas can't swim! Now we'll all drown!

Red Goomba: But at least we'll drown with you, merciful one!

Blue Goomba: We'll be by your side until the end of time!

Goomboss: I regret that you two came from my spores.

Goombario: That was... easier than expected.

Luigi: Yeah, let's go before something else happens.

Luigi and Goombario walk towards Toad Town.

Kammy is floating overhead.

Kammy: Aw, sunuvva…

She flies away, towards Peach's Castle.

Meanwhile, at an obvious location…

Bowser: I finally have Princess Peach all to myself and without either one of those Mario Brothers to ruin it!

Kammy: LORD BOWSER, LORD BOWSER!!!

Kammy busts in, through the window.

Bowser: Hey, they invented something new recently. It's called a door, it lets you get in and out of places. So why don't you try using it, you stupid hag?!

Kammy: No time for that! Luigi defeated Goomboss!

Bowser: What?! That's impossible! Despite the fact that Goombas are his weakest enemies, there's no way that he could've have beaten Goomboss!

Kammy: Uh, right. But that little glowy thingermabobber of yours makes you invincible. You'll whup that little feller in no time.

Bowser: Yeah, I guess you're right… but it's absolutely imperative that Luigi does not retrieve the Star Spirits! Kammy, send out the Koopa Brothers…

Back to our Heroes…

Luigi: Ah, we have finally arrived in Toad Town! Don't you just love expository dialogue?

Goombario: Not really.

Luigi: Hey! That pipe leads to my house! Wanna come?

Goombario: HECK YEAH!

They both jump into the pipe and end up in front of Mario's Pad, with Mario sitting on the front deck.

Mario: Hey, bro! Where have you been all this time? … and who's that guy with you?

Luigi: Princess Peach has been kidnapped by Bowser again and I have to talk to seven Star Spirit things.

Mario: Um… good luck with that.

Luigi: You're not going to help?

Mario: No. We've both saved Peach plenty of times, I don't see why you can't do it on your own, like me.

Luigi: Whatever… jerk.

Mario: What was that?!

Luigi quickly jumps back into the pipe.

Goombario: Shoot, I didn't even get to have his autograph!

Goombario follows him through the pipe.

Mario: Luigi should be able to handle this on his own. But just incase…

Mario opens the front gate and runs across a brick path.

Meanwhile…

Luigi and Goombario emerge from the pipe at about the same time.

Luigi: So much for Mario helping us.

Goombario: Yeah, sure, whatever. Where are we supposed to go, anyway?

Luigi: Shooting Star Summit. It's right behind Peach's Castle.

Goombario: Okie-dokie. SKIP!

Luigi and Goombario automatically appear there, so I won't have to describe how they walk there.

Luigi: Star Spirits? Are you there?

They all slowly appear, although they look somewhat like holograms.

Eldstar: Yes… but we are not here physically. We don't have enough power to project ourselves here for much longer.

Klevar: Yes. Now Bowser has the Star Rod, which makes him nearly unstoppable.

Luigi: Nearly?

Misstar: Yes. Find all seven of us and you might have enough power to defeat Bowser…

Skolar: But that won't easy. Bowser has hidden each of us in different locations and all of us are guarded by fearsome beings, handpicked by Bowser himself.

Luigi: Well, seeing as how Bowser's a moron, I don't think that they'll be much of a problem.

Muskular: Don't underestimate him! That would be a grave mistake…

Kalmar: Good luck, chosen one.

Mamar: I see sparklies!

They soon fade away after Mamar's philosophical remark.

Goombario: Whoa, that was trippy, dude.

Back in Peach's Castle…

Peach is pacing back and forth.

Peach: Oh, I feel so sorry for Luigi… all that he was trying to do was help and he may be really hurt, or even dead.

Peach shudders at the thought.

Peach: And everyone else is in Prison… I sure hope Luigi's okay. Maybe he can get Mario to help us…

Peach starts to tear up.

???: Hey, don't cry!

Peach: Wh-who said that?

???: Me! Please let me in, Miss!

She hears tapping on the window.

Peach: Oh!

She opens the window and a little star flies in.

???: Thank you!

Peach: Who are you?

???: My name is Twink! I came from Star Haven to help you!

Peach: Oh, how sweet… but you're just a Star Kid, aren't you? I didn't think that you could grant wishes.

Twink: Um… I can't. I'm sorry. But I'll help out any way I can!

Peach: Can you find Mario or Luigi for me? I overheard Bowser gloating about Star Spirits or something and heard him say something about the "Koopa Bros.' Castle"…

Twink: Sure! I'll be there on the double!

Twink flies out of the castle.

Peach: Luigi… please save us. I believe in you.

Back at Shooting Star Summit…

Goombario: Well, now we know that we need to find the Star Spirits, but where could they possibly be? We don't even know where to start!

Luigi: That's a good question. Well, I-

A star suddenly konks Luigi on the head.

Luigi: Hey, watch it, bub!

Twink: S-sorry! So you know where a Mario or Luigi is?

Luigi: Hey, I'm Luigi!

Twink: Thank goodness! My name is Twink, Princess Peach told me to find you!

Luigi: Peach?! Is she okay?

Twink: Yeah, she's just fine! She also told me to tell you that one of the Star Spirits is at the Koopa Bros.' Fortress. I think it's right past a place called Koopa Village.

???: Bwahahaha! Excellent!

Kamek swoops down in front of them!

Twink: Y-y-you! Did you follow me?!

Kamek: Yes, I did! Now I'll defeat one of the Mario Bros. and Grandma will love me for sure!

Luigi snickers.

Luigi: Kammy is your Grandma?

Kamek: SHUT UP!

He zaps geometric shapes out of his wand, which Luigi easily dodges. Luigi then jumps on Kamek's head, which makes him disappear into a puff of smoke.

Goombario: Wow. Does that happen to EVERY enemy you jump on?

Luigi: Sometimes.

Twink: That was amazing! … I guess. The fight only lasted for 10 seconds. But anyway, I'm going back to Peach's Castle, so I can see if she's okay. Bye!

Twink flies away.

Luigi: Wow, he's flying back to her, despite the fact that Bowser might catch him…

Goombario: He's screwed.

After resting a bit, they continue their journey and make their way towards Koopa Village. Little do they know that danger is lurking nearby--


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Raiders of the Lost Fortress

Luigi and Goombario finally arrive in Koopa Village.

Luigi: Whew… we're finally here.

Goombario: Yeah, I never would've suspected that we would have to fight that giant Lawn Gnome!

Luigi walks over to a Koopa who's standing next to the "Welcome" sign.

Koopa at the Sign: Hello, there! Welcome to Koopa Village!

Luigi: Thank you. Do you know where the Koopa Bros. Fortress is?

Koopa at the Sign: Um… no clue what you're talking about, sorry.

Goombario: Oh well… guess we should talk to someone else.

Luigi nods.

Somewhere nearby…

Golden Fuzzy: My fellow brothers and sisters! We have waited years for this moment! But now-- is the time of reckoning! VIVA LA FUZZIES!!!

All of the Fuzzies scream and suddenly erupt into the village, causing all sorts of havoc.

Koopa at the Sign: Oh no… not again!

Luigi: Again?!

A Koopa with a blue shell walks up to Luigi.

Koopa: This happens every other year. The Fuzzies are kleptos, so they steal all of our stuff and hide them in random places.

Luigi: Um… that's kind of weird, but thanks for the information. Who are you, anyway?

Koopa: The name's Kooper! Boy, I'm glad that none of them have stolen from me yet…

Golden Fuzzy: Oooooh, blue is favorite color! I MUST HIDE IT!!!

Golden Fuzzy grabs Kooper's shell and hops off.

Kooper: Oh no, I'm indecent!

Luigi: Don't worry, I'll get your shell back!

Luigi and Goombario chases the Golden Fuzzy until they come to a place where there's three trees.

Golden Fuzzy: Gee, you guys just don't give up, do you?! Can't you see that this gives me pleasure?!

Luigi: Um… look, just give us the shell back and we'll--

Golden Fuzzy: ENOUGH!!! You don't understand, nor will you EVER understand! In the name of all things small and prickly, I will defeat you!

Luigi kicks Golden Fuzzy into one of the trees, which makes stars fly around his head.

Golden Fuzzy: Swing low, sweet chariot…

Golden Fuzzy passes out and a map falls from the tree that he got knocked into.

Goombario: Hey, Luigi! Look at what just fell from the tree!

Luigi picks up the map and reads it.

Luigi: Wahoo! It's a map to the Koopa Bros.' Fortress! How much more convenient could you get?

Goombario: As much as the writer wants it to be.

Luigi ignores him and picks up the blue shell.

Kooper: Hey, thanks for getting my shell back!

Kooper runs over to Luigi and puts his shell back on.

Luigi: No problem, whatever I can do to help!

Fuzzies: Hey! You can't just knock out our master like that!

Luigi: Pfft… what are ya' gonna do, steal my hat?

Fuzzies: No… we're going to rip off you're mustache. We're going to pluck EVERY LAST STRAND!!!

The Fuzzies form together into one big creature (much like the Smorgs).

Luigi: Oh boy…

Fuzzy Swarm: But first, that shell…

The Fuzzy Swarm raised one their hands over Koops.

Luigi: LOOK OUT!

Right as they're about to slam their hand into Kooper, Luigi shoves him out of the way and he ends up getting hurt instead.

Kooper: Wow… he put himself in harm's way to save me, despite the fact that he could have just run away…

Kooper turns around and faces Goombario.

Kooper: Hey, you! Kick me!

Goombario: Why?

Kooper: Just do it!

Goombario kicks Koops as he goes into his shell, making him crash through the Fuzzy Swarm's "face".

Fuzzy Swarm: OUCH!

The Fuzzy Swarm takes its hand off of Luigi and puts them over the hole in its face, so it can use various Fuzzies to fill up the hole.

Kooper: Get up! This is your chance!

Luigi nods, runs over to one of the trees, and pounds the heck out of it with his hammer, which makes it fall on top of the Fuzzy Swarm and crushing most of them.

Luigi: Thank you, Kooper, you're a lifesaver… literally. You know, you make a pretty useful ally… want to join me?

Kooper: DO I EVER?!

Goombario: Cool! Now I finally have someone else to talk--

Goombario flies into Luigi's pocket.

Goombario: --to… crap!

Luigi: That was… kinda weird.

Kooper: Yeah.

Luigi: Uh-huh.

Kooper: Indeed.

Luigi: I concur.

GET ON WITH IT!!!

Kooper: Whatever you say, omnipotent Jelly God!

Luigi: Jelly God? But he's the--

Kooper: Look, you have your religion, and I have mine!

Luigi rolls his eyes.

Luigi: Let's just get going.

Luigi and Kooper follow the map until they get to a gap with a lake in-between.

Luigi: Hm… the map said that the castle should be near here. I take it that this gap doesn't follow the laws of physics either, so how are we supposed to get across without a bridge.

Kooper: Maybe that sign will help?

Kooper points at the sign.

Sign: "_No, I won't._"

Luigi: Why not?

Sign: "_'Cause._"

Luigi: I bet that there's not a switch that draws the bridge down…

Sign: "_Yes there is!_"

Luigi: Meh… I don't believe you.

Sign: "_Oh, REALLY now? Well, for your information, it's right across! But it's invisible, and you need to kick your little friend across in order to activate it. How do you like them apples, bub?_"

Luigi kicks Kooper at the invisible switch, which makes the bridge appear.

Luigi: Thanks for the info! We never could've gotten across without you!

Sign: "_D'OH!!! Me and my big ego…_"

Luigi walks across the bridge and follows Koops to the fortress, which is practically straight ahead.

Kooper: We're finally here, after hours of endless toil!

Luigi: But it's only been 15 minutes…

The Black Koopa Brother bursts out of the front door, singing.

Black Koopa: Oh, good morning USAAAAAAAA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful dayyyyyyy! The Sun and the Sky has a smile on its face…

Raisin Bran Sun: I told you to leave me alone!

The Raisin Bran Sun drops two scoops of giant raisins on Black Koopa.

Black Koopa: OW! OW! OW! Um… anyway, time to get the paper!

Black Koopa takes out the funnies, tosses the rest away, and walks back into the fortress.

Luigi: I don't think he saw us. Quick, let's go inside… METAL GEAR STYLE!!!

Luigi puts a box over both of them and they push it inside the castle.

Koopa: Wait a minute… where do you think YOU'RE going? You're one of those Mario guys, aren't you?

Kooper: Nope, just a box!

Bob-Omb: … Awright, let him through.

The Koopa and Bob-Omb open the door that they were guarding and lets them into the next room.

Green Koopa: … Well, how YOU know SpongeBob isn't a woman?

Koopa: Well, what about Katy Perry?

Green Koopa: Nah, Kate kissed a girl and liked it. Kate can't possibly be woman.

Luigi: They don't notice us! Maybe we can--

Green Koopa: Huh, who said that?

Green Koopa turns around.

Green Koopa: GAH!!! A box! Boxes are my worst nightmare!

Green Koopa runs away and screams like a little girl.

Koopa: Hey! How dare you scare one of the Koopa Bros.?!

Luigi: Um… HADOUKEN!!!

Luigi picks up the box, throws it at the Koopa, and runs to the door (along with Kooper).

Yellow Koopa: Whew… it took FOREVER to make this thing! Now it's time to include the finishing touch!

Yellow Koopa tosses a yellow '?' block into the air and it floats above the ground, like any normal block… well, normal to them anyway.

Yellow Koopa: Excellent! It's genius, pure genius!

Luigi and Kooper enter the room.

Yellow Koopa: Cowabunga! It's time to beat feet!

Yellow Koopa runs out of the room before they spot him.

Luigi: … Did you hear something?

Kooper: Not really.

Luigi shrugs and looks up at the '?' block.

Luigi: Wow, an item block! Let's see what's inside.

Luigi grabs Kooper, jumps up to the platform, and strikes the block, which makes it disappear.

Kooper: … Nothing happened.

A trapdoor opens under them and they fall down.

Luigi: You just HAD to say something, didn't you?!

Luigi and Kooper descend down into a cell, where there's several Bob-Ombs.

Kooper: Well, atleast we can share our misery with others!

Luigi: Ugh…

A Bob-Omb Buddy walks over to them.

Bob-Omb Buddy: Hey! Like, you're kinda cute! My name is like, Bombette, what's yours?

Luigi: Um… Luigi?

Bombette: Like, totally fabulous! I'll follow you, to like the ends of the Earth and stuff! … or Plit, whatever.

Luigi: I guess you can come.

Kooper: Oh, you son of a--

Kooper flies into Luigi's pocket.

Goombario: Hey there! How are things going?

Kooper: Um… how long are we going to be in here?

Goombario: For 7 more chapters, atleast.

Kooper: … Do you have a flashlight?

Energizer Bunny: No.

Luigi: Anyhow, how are we supposed to get out of here?

Bombette: Well, you can like, use me to blow up that crack in the wall.

She walks over to the crack to show Luigi where it is.

Luigi: If this was there the whole time, couldn't any of you have just blown that up earlier?

Bombette: Yes.

Luigi smacks his own face.

Luigi: Just explode already.

Bombette: Okie-dokie!

She explodes, which makes a large hole appear in the wall.

Luigi: Okay, do any of you want to leave?

Bob-Omb 1: Nope.

Bob-Omb 2: We've gotten used to it by now.

Luigi shrugs and follows Bombette out of the cell… and suddenly a Koopa and two Bob-Ombs burst into the room.

Koopa: Hey, what's with all of the noise?!

Koopa spots Luigi and Bombette.

Koopa: Okay, you two do what you do best.

Bob-Ombs: Wahoo! KAMIKAZE!!!

They charge towards Luigi and Bombette with their fuses lit… only for them to step out of the way and make the Bob-Ombs crash into a wall, resulting in their fiery inferno of doom.

Koopa: Crap! Every Troopa for himself!

Koopa runs off.

Luigi: Ha! What a wimp!

Bombette: Will you marry me?

Luigi: No.

They walk up the stairs and go through a door, to the next room.

Red Koopa: Bullet Bills! Now it is the time to finally show your power! Destroy these two… stupid heads!

Red Koopa runs through the double doors as the cannons start to launch Bullet Bills.

Luigi: Shoot!

Luigi grabs Bombette and swerves from side-to-side, avoiding the various Bullet Bills that come his way. He then throws Bombette into one of the cannons and she explodes, causing all three cannons to be destroyed in the process.

Bombette: Y-you held me!

Her eyes turn into valentine hearts and she jumps into Luigi's arms.

Luigi: Um… yeah, I guess I did.

He puts her back onto the ground and walks into the next room.

Black Koopa: GAH!!! It's you two! Wait… who are you?

Red Koopa: That's Luigi, you idiot!

Yellow Koopa: Bodacious! We finally get to fi-

Green Koopa shoves him.

Yellow Koopa: OW!!! What the surfing bird did I do?!

Green Koopa: You will now fight your worst nightmare!

They all run out of the room and a klunky-looking Bowser robot rolls into the room.

Luigi: … This is just pathetic. Even for Koopas.

Bowser-Robot: Give up, plumber! You'll never win!

Luigi nonchalantly picks up a rock and tosses it at the head, which makes it fall off.

Yellow Koopa: Whoa! Like, so uncool, dude! It costed us 1000 coins to make this thing!

The Koopa Bros. hop out of the robot.

Red Koopa: Okay, brothers! This is what we've been training for! Time to use our Special Move - The Rising Hippo Super Ultra Deluxe Taco Time!

The Koopa Bros. stack on top of each other and spin around at a high velocity, heading towards Luigi.

Luigi: I learned a similar move myself!

Luigi takes out his hammer and spins around in circles towards the Koopa Bros. (similar to the Cyclone Bros. move, but without Mario). He collides with them, making them all crash into various parts of the fortress; which subsequently knocks them all out and sends them falling into the Bob-Ombs' jail cell.

Red Koopa: Ugh… those guys packed a wallop.

Bob-Omb 1: Well, we're even worse… get 'em guys!

Red Koopa gulps as the Bob-Ombs charge towards them.

A card with Eldstar's insignia suddenly descends from up above.

Luigi: What's this?

Bombette: Poke!

Bombette touches it, which makes it twirl around and engulfs the area and a white light. Once the light is gone, Eldstar is in the card's place.

Eldstar: Luigi… you did it! You ARE the hero of legend!

Luigi: YAHOO!!!

Luigi jumps into the air with glee.

**END OF CHAPTER**

_Luigi has defeated the Koopa Bros. and finally retrieved the first Star Spirit, Eldstar! But six Star Spirits still remain, so this adventure is far from over. The fate of the world lies in the hands of [surprisingly enough] Luigi! Does he really have what it takes?_

At Peach's Castle…

Peach: I wonder how Luigi is doing? Or Mario… what if they're hurt?

Twink: I'm sure that they're fine, Miss! For now, we should focus on trying to get you out of here!

Peach: I guess you're right. I think I remember Toad telling me that there was a secret exit somewhere in this room…

Twink: You mean THIS secret entrance?

Twink lifts up a portrait and presses the red button, which makes the fireplace turn around.

Peach: … How long did you know that was there?

Twink: For quite some time. You never stopped talking long enough for me to tell you.

Peach: I'll ignore that.

Peach and Twink go inside the "fireplace", which rotates again and puts them inside a dark hallway.

Peach: This is kind of creepy…

Twink: Yeah… but we have to focus on our journey!

Peach nods and she walks to the end of the hallway, pressing another red button, which rotates that part of the wall and takes them to another room.

Peach: Where are we? I've never been to this room before.

Twink: I don't know, but here's a diary! Want me to read it?

Peach: Are dolphins fish?!

Twink: No.

Peach: Oh… well, read it anyway.

Twink: Ahem…

"_Dear Diary, _

_I just got the Star Rod today! It's sooooo cool! I lifted Peach's Castle into space and even defeated Mario--err… Luigi! … Except Kammy threw it at my head earlier and gave me large bump. Because of that, I'm decreasing her salary from 5 coins a month to just 2! And… just a secret between us (you won't tell, right?), the next Star Spirit is located in Dry Dry Ruins, which is hidden in Dry Dry Desert. And also… I really like Peach--_"

Peach: WHAT?!

Twink: "_--Pie._"

Peach: Oh…

Peach laughs nervously.

Twink: The Star Spirit is located in Dry Dry Ruins! I should find Luigi and inform him!

Peach: Okay, you go do that.

Twink flies out of the window right as Bowser walks into the room.

Bowser: Peach?! How did you get here?!

Bowser looks at the open diary.

Bowser: AND YOU READ MY DIARY?! Koopatrols, get her back to her room immediately, before she can use any of my embarrassing secrets against me!

Koopatrols: Yes, sir!

They grab Peach and drag her back into her room.

Bowser: Hm…

Bowser does a doubletake to make sure that no one is there and then he runs over to his diary, picks it up, and starts to rub it.

Bowser: It's okay, baby, you're safe now… daddy won't let anyone hurt you.

Hammer Bro: HEY GUYS, LOOK AT WHAT BOWSER'S DOING WITH HIS DIARY!!!

Bowser: GAH!!!


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Pharaoh-Headed League

Luigi and Bombette are conviniently back in Toad Town.

Bombette: Don't you just love time gaps?

Luigi: Who doesn't?

Merlon comes out of his house.

Merlon: Are you Luigi?

Luigi: Um... yeah.

Merlon: Well, there's this little star in here asking me "Where's Luigi?" for two straight hours!

Twink flies out of the house.

Twink: Oh, here you are!

Luigi: What is it this time, Twink?

Twink: I came to tell you that the next Star Spirit is at Dry Dry Ruins, at the Dry Dry Desert! You can get there by train.

Luigi: Okay, thanks!

Twink waves and flies away.

Bombette: ... "Dry Dry Desert"? Like, who names these places, anyway?

Luigi: Some bored Japanese game designers sitting around in their offices.

Bombette: ... Game designers?

Luigi: Nevermind, let's go to the train.

Luigi and Bombette walk over to the Train Station.

Ticket Guy: Hello sir and Madame, do you have any tickets?

Luigi: Um... LOOK, IT'S COUNT CHOCULA!

Ticket Guy turns around.

Ticket Guy: WHERE?!

Luigi and Bombette run into the train while he's not looking and the train takes off.

Ticket Guy: Oh shoot... curse my obsession for sugary cereals! CURSE IT!!!

Inside the Train...

Luigi: Well... this train is certainly a lot bigger than I thought it would be.

Bombette: Like, why do you say that?

Luigi: I remember it being a lot shorter. It only had one car a few years ago.

Bombette: Seriously?

???: Yeah, seriously.

Luigi: Who said that?

???: I did.

The dark figure steps out of the shadows, revealing himself to be Pennington, a blue penguin wearing a deerstalker cap holding a magnifying glass.

Pennington: The name's Pennington. I'm a Detective.

Luigi: So I noticed. My name's Luigi.

Bombette: And I'm Bombette!

Pennington: Luigi, eh? I'll remember that name... anyhow, what are you here for?

Luigi: I'm going to Dry Dry Desert. I need to find something there.

Pennington: How interesting... I deduce that the object you desire is a Star Spirit!

Luigi: Whoa! How did you figure that out?!

Pennington: There's a big star with a mustache in the Cafeteria that's ordering prunes.

Toadette: ... I told you several times, sir, we don't have any prunes.

Eldstar: That's racist, doggone it! Stars need to go to the bathroom too!

Luigi: Er.. any other people here?

Pennington: Why, of course. I'll introduce you to some of them.

The trio walks through the train.

Pennington: ... This is Prince Peasly.

Luigi: Hey, I remember you!

Prince Peasly: Yes, you should. The story I was in was put on hiatus, so I'm searching for another job... BUT LOOK AT HOW SEXY I AM!

Prince Peasly makes a flash of white light appear through the entire car.

Toadbert: MY EYES!!!

Pennington: Um... let's continue, shall we?

They tiptoe away.

Toadbert: I think I'm blind--

Pennington: This fine fellow is named Mallow, he's the prince of Nimbus Land.

Mallow: Hello, there!

Luigi: What does that writing on your head say?

Mallow: Oh, this? It says "Property of Square-Enix". I still haven't figured out what it means yet.

Luigi: Well, it means that--

Sephiroth: If you know what's good for you, you better not finish that sentence.

Bombette: Like, who's this guy? And who does his hair?

Pennington: I deduce that he's a character from Final Fantasy, and his only purpose for being in this train is for a cheap gag.

Fat Toad: The cake is on your menu... but I ordered it an hour ago! THE CAKE IS A LIE!

Toadette: She's taking her time, sir! ... And by the way, considering your condition, shouldn't you be eating something a little more... you know... healthier?

Fat Toad: How DARE you?!

Toadette: DON'T EAT ME!

Pennington: There seems to be some sort of commotion. We must investigate!

Pennington walks over to the booth and hops onto one of the chairs.

Pennington: What seems to be the problem, ma'am?

Toadette: This guy ordered a cake about an hour ago... but Zess T. can't find any of the ingredients! They're missing!

Pennington: GADZOOKS! A mystery!

Fat Toad: Why couldn't you have just told me that?! Jerks.

5 minutes later...

Pennington: I have lined all of you up here, because you're ALL suspects! You, the un-named fat Toad!

Fat Toad: B-but... I already payed for it! Why would I steal it?!

Pennington: ... Popple, the Shadow Thief!

Popple: I don't steal cakes, see... unless you mean the gold kind. Heh heh...

Luigi: Do I know you?

Popple: No. But you will.

Pennington: And last, but certainly not least, there's our most dubious suspect... CRASH BANDICOOT!

Crash: Whoa!

Crash spins out of the room.

Pennington: Er... I mean, that chair! THAT CHAIR!!!

He points to a random chair; everyone gasps except for Luigi.

Luigi: You've got to be kidding me...

Pennington turns on a lamp.

Pennington: WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF SEPTEMBER 33RD?!

Luigi: There IS no September 33rd.

Pennington: Oh yeah? How would YOU like to solve the case instead?

Luigi: Well, I'd certainly do a much better job than you. C'mon, Bombette!

Luigi swipes Pennington's magnifying glass and looks around for clues.

Bombette: Oh boy, we're detectives! Do we get those cool hats?

Luigi: Bombette, focus! Try to find a clue or something!

Bombette: Like that trail of gumdrops on the floor?

Luigi looks down.

Luigi: Um... yeah, like that.

They follow the trail of gumdrops to one of the cabins, which contains a certain Nintendo character.

Luigi: Kirby?

Kirby: Well… um… YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPERS!!!

Kirby laughs maniacally and jumps out the window. Luigi and Bombette runs over to the window and observes it.

Bombette: Ouch, that's pretty graphic… isn't like, this a parody of a children's game?

Luigi and Bombette walks back to Pennington with the cake in hand.

Luigi: I found the cake!

Fat Toad: SWEET VICTORY!

Fat Toad grabs the cake and swallows it whole.

Luigi: Sheesh, what a fata-

Conductor: Sssssssuper fantabulous! We have arrived at our next stop, Mt. Rugged! Have a wonderful day!

The train stops, with Luigi and Bombette walking out shortly after.

Bombette: We're like, finally here! Isn't that great?

Luigi: Easy for you to say, you don't wear clothes! There's ALREADY sand in my boots and it's over 100 degrees out here!

Bombette: Is that a bad thing?

Luigi fans himself with his hat.

Luigi: **YES** it is.

Parakarry: Oh, hey there! You have a Brother that always tries to kill me, right?

Luigi: Yeah!

Parakarry: Great… 'cause I lost some of my letters. Can you help me find them?

Luigi: Sure thi--

Three envelopes are blown by the wind and they smack Luigi's face. Luigi peels them off and hands them to Parakarry.

Luigi: Here's three, for starters.

Parakarry: Ah! Thank you, fine sir! Do you mind if I perhaps… accompany you on you quest?

Luigi: Why?  
Parakarry: I need to get more letters.

Luigi: Um… alright then.

Bombette: B-but I haven't even been here for very lo--

Bombette flies into Luigi's pocket.

Bombette: Oh well… do any of you have churros?

Luigi and Parakarry hike up the mountain, until they encounter a humongous bird…

Buzzar: HOLDIT!!! Who are you? I can't let you cross the bridge until I know your name.

Luigi: You seriously think I'm going to tell you my real name?

Buzzar: Yes.

Luigi: My name is... Clint Eastwood.

Buzzar: Clint Eastwood?! Oh my god, I LOVE your movies! Go ahead, you can pass.

Luigi and Parakarry go across.

Parakarry: Are ALL of your enemies this stupid?

Luigi: Yeah, pretty much. But it's nothing to complain about.

Luigi and Parakarry go along the path until they find some sort of expedition (along with a Koopa with a fake-ish mustache, wearing a stereotypical Indiana Jones-esque outfit).

Kolorado: Hello, there, mustachioed fellow, clad in green!

Luigi: Luigi.

Kolorado: Ah! Of Italian descent, I see! Well, I am Professor Kolorado, my fine chaps and I are trying to locate the Dry Dry Ruins.

Luigi: Hey, we're looking for the Dry Dry Ruins too! Maybe we can help each other out!

Kolorado: An elementary proposal!

Pennington rushes out of one of the tents.

Pennington: I deduce that someone has stolen our hot pockets! I inquire that we must get more.

Kolorado: Why does your breath smell like hot pockets?

Pennington: Um... some wild monkeys shoved some down my throat! I had no choice!

Luigi: That's bull!

Pennington: ... Who votes to throw Luigi into a lake?

Luigi: Who votes to feed Pennington to a Pokey?!

Kolorado: ENOUGH! I hear that someone in Dry Dry Outpost might know where the Ruins are. Make sure you stay on the path, the desert can get pretty dangerous.

Luigi: Thanks, Prof!

Luigi runs off.

Parakarry: Oh! I have some mail for you!

Kolorado: Oh boy! Is it my "Fancy-Pants Weekly" Magazine?

Parakarry: Um... not quite.

He hands Kolorado an envelope and goes back to following Luigi.

Kolorado: From the I.R.S.?! Pfft... that's not important.

Kolorado tosses the envelope away.

Kolorado: I'm going to play Professor Layton...

At Dry Dry Outpost...

Luigi: Geez, talk about deserted...

Parakarry: Please, Luigi, no more puns!

Luigi: Sorry.

They look around.

Parakarry: So... I wonder who we talk to?

Luigi: I wonder if there's a store that sells fans.

They walk over to a brown mouse wearing a cloak.

Luigi: Do you know where Dry Dry Ruins is?

Mouse: Mayyyybe...

Luigi sighs.

Luigi: What do you want?

Mouse: Do you have any Lemons?

Luigi: Lemons? This is the Mushroom Kingdom! How am I even supposed to FIND Lemons?

The mouse blankly stares at him.

Luigi: Alright, alright! I'll try to find one myself! C'mon, Parakarry.

They go into the store and walk up to the counter.

Luigi: Do you sell Lemons?

Clerk: ... What's a "Lemon"?

Luigi's face turns red and he's tempted to rip the hair off of his head.

Luigi: Never mind...

They go back to the expedition.

Luigi: Hey, Kolorado!

Kolorado: Greetings, comrade! You found out the location already?

Luigi: Er... sort of. There's this mouse who knows where it is, but he won't tell us anything unless we give him a lemon.

Kolorado: Hm... I need to discuss this.

Kolorado walks into one of the tents.

Pennington: Yes... uh-huh... I see... huh? WHAT?! What the heck is a lemon?!

Kolorado walks out.

Kolorado: Sorry, mate, nothing I can do for ya'.

Luigi: Typical. Days like this make me wish I was back in Brooklyn...

Luigi, frustrated, walks up to a tree and kicks it.

Luigi: OW! OW! OW!

A lemon suddenly falls out of the tree.

Luigi: What the...

Luigi shakes it, making a lot of lemons fall out.

Luigi: These trees were filled with lemons the whole time?!

Pennington: Oh, THAT'S what they're called? We've been calling them "Tangy Yellow Things".

Luigi grabs a lemon, whacks Pennington in the head with his hammer, and walks back to the town.

Mouse: Thank you, sir! You are so nice... nice enough to know my true identity!

He takes his cloak off, revealing his turban.

Mouse: I am... MOUSTAFA!

Parakarry: Who?

Moustafa: I'm the leader of this town!

Parakarry: Oh, okay.

Luigi: Maybe if we had a competent author, we would've actually had a proper setup...

Shut up!

Moustafa: Anyhow, you want to get to Dry Dry Ruins, correct?

Luigi: Yes!

Moustafa: Well, you'll have to travel through the desert... yes, OFF the path. You'll also have to use this shiny gem thingie!

{LUIGI RECEIVED SHINY GEM THINGIE!}

Luigi: That was weird.

Moustafa: What was weird?

Luigi: Um... nothing.

Moustafa: Okay, then! I'm gonna sleep now.

He runs into his house, which they were standing in front of the whole time.

Parakarry: He's not homeless?! What a moocher!

Luigi: Never mind that! We have to get that next Star Spirit!

They walk back to the expedition (such repetition).

Kolorado: So, NOW you know where it is?

Luigi: Not exactly. But I DO know that we have to use this to open it!

Luigi takes the Amulet out of his pocket.

Kolorado: HOLY MOLEY! What are you guys waiting for?! Let's go!

Kolorado runs off in reckless abandon.

Luigi: Oh lord... Parakarry, try and keep him out of trouble!

Parakarry: Aye, aye!

Parakarry flies away.

Luigi: Well, looks like I'm going solo for now!

Luigi runs off into the desert.

Pennington: What?! You can't go on an epic quest without the great Pennington! Wait for me!

Pennington waddles out towards the direction that Kolorado and Parakarry went.

Meanwhile...

Luigi: I wish that he would've at least had the decency to give me a map...

A Whacka suddenly pops out of the ground.

Whacka: Whaaack-hoo! The name's Whacka! What are you looking for?

Luigi: The ruins.

Whacka: Ohhhhhh... Are you talking about the temple? It's deep underground! Wooo!

Luigi: Underground?!

Whacka: Yeah, but you have the Pulse Stone, right?

Luigi: You mean this?

He takes it out.

Whacka: Yeah, that's it! Whack-ow! It should act as a tracking device! As soon as you get near it, it should rise out of the ground!

Luigi: Oh, thank you!

Whacka: No prob, weird mustached man! Whaaaaaaaack-hooooo!

Whacka tunnels back underground.

Elsewhere (don't you love transitions?)...

Kolorado: Oh, we are so hopelessly lost! I crave the iced tea and crumpets from my home land!

Parakarry: For the last time, you're not British!

Kolorado: What the deuce are you talking about?! Of course I'm British!

Parakarry: Ugh, whatever...

Pennington: Stop the weeping, my fellow comrades! The Magnificent Pennington has arrived! I know, times without me have been tough... but I will make everything alright!

Kolorado: What the frag are you jabbering on about? Sodding penguin...

Pennington: You love me! You need me! Spout your cacophony of adoration!

Kolorado: You're a little spastic, you know that?

Pennington: What the heck is THAT supposed to mean?

Parakarry: You'll find out later, trust me.

Pennington: Alright then. For now, let's search for clues…

He takes out his magnifying glass, which magnifies the light from the sun and… well, we'll let him explain the rest.

Pennington: MY EYE! MY EYE!

One Exposition Later…

Luigi: Hey! The stone is beeping! I think I'm getting closer!

Parakarry: … Is it just me, or is there a beeping sound?

Pennington puts a monocle over his burnt eye.

Pennington: Ah… that's MUCH better.

They suddenly start to sink.

Pennington: What the--GAH!!! I-it's… GRABOIDS! Quick, take evasive action!

Kolorado: This doesn't have to do with worms, you buffoon! It's quicksand!

Parakarry: … and it's dragging us in!

As they completely get submerged in the sand, the temple rises out of the ground. Logic has no bearing on this.

Luigi: Dry Dry Ruins! Excellent!

Luigi walks inside, completely unaware of the impending danger that lurks within.

Luigi: Gee, this place is DARK.

A bunch of candles suddenly light up.

???: _That better?_

Luigi: Yeah, thanks! Hey, wait… who's talking?!

???: _Leave this place, NOW, or may doomy things of… um… DOOMYNESS drop upon your godforsaken skull!_

Luigi: Um… what?

???: _Just leave._

Luigi: Author, is that you?!

No.

Luigi: What's going on here?

He walks over to two sarcophagi, where two Mummipokies jump out.

Luigi: YIKES!

They moan and inch toward him very slowly.

Luigi: I'll be leaving now.

Luigi walks out of the room.

Mummipokies: Cooooome baaaaaack…

He finds a door, where there's a hole shaped like a pyramid.

Luigi: What am I supposed to find?!

He looks at a pedestal way up high, which has a small pyramid-shaped stone on it.

Luigi: Oh.

He walks up the slope and takes the stone off the pedestal, quickly placing a mushroom on it for compensation.

Luigi: I'm not falling for THAT old trick.

Luigi confidently strides down the slope… as the pedestal suddenly slides up, due to the mushroom not having enough weight. As such, a giant boulder rolls out.

Luigi: What's that?

He turns around.

Luigi: D'oh! ...CRAP.

He sprints down the slope and slams the stone into the door, diving into the room before the boulder can crush him.

Luigi: Whew… that was a close one.

Luigi suddenly spots a Super Hammer, just laying on the ground. He quickly takes advantage of the situation.

Luigi: Wow, no traps or anything! Lucky!

He spots another door, with a differently shaped hole.

Luigi: ANOTHER door?! … Screw this.

He uses his new hammer to make a different kind of hole in the door and jumps through. He finds a Koopa dressed in Egyptian garb, standing in front of Kolorado, Parakarry, and Pennington, who are all tied to poles.

Luigi: So, YOU'RE the one who threatened me a few minutes ago!

???: Um… uh… _DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200!_

Luigi: Cut the crap! Tell me your name!

???: Oh, fine. You're no fun, ya' know that?! The name's Tutankoopa. Yeah, I ripped off Tutankhamen, what of it?!

Luigi: You have the next Star Spirit, don't you?!

Tutankoopa: So what if I do?! What are YOU gonna do about it, jerk?!

Luigi: I'm gonna beat it out of you, that's what I'm gonna do!

Tutankoopa: Oh, so we have a tough guy, huh? Well, THIS is going to be interesting!

He snaps his finger and two Chain Chomps come out.

Luigi: YOWZAH!!!

Tutankoopa: Attack him, my pets!

They both growl as they back Luigi up towards the wall.

Luigi: Well, looks like I'm between a rock and a hard place...

He spots Parakarry, tied up.

Luigi: Aha!

He throws a fireball at the rope, freeing Parakarry.

Parakarry: Whew... thanks alot! He was going to make us watch Oklahoma!

Luigi: You're a sick, vile monster!

Tutankoopa: You would be too, if someone forced you to stay underground for several hours.

Luigi ignores him, hopping over the Chain Chomps.

Luigi: Nyah! Nyah! Can't catch me!

They growl and charge towards Luigi. At the very last second, jumping a little bit out of the way, he grabs their chains and hurls them around. He tosses them into the air and Parakarry manages to grab one of them. He flies over Tutankoopa.

Tutankoopa: Oh poo...

He drops the Chain Chomp on Tutankoopa, presumably crushing him.

Parakarry: How do you carry these things?! They're freaking HEAVY!

Luigi throws more fireballs, freeing Kolorado and Pennington.

Kolorado: Thanks a lot, old bean! I was in quite a bind!

Pennington: Great work, Luigi! I'll make you my new sidekick!

Luigi: Um, why are you wearing a monocle?

Pennington: Don't ask.

Luigi: But I already did!

Pennington: Hush up, you!

Parakarry: Where's that Star Spirit at, anyway?

A card (Mamar) suddenly descends down from the sky and Luigi grabs it.

Luigi: YAHOO!!!

END OF CHAPTER

_Luigi got another Star Spirit, looks like he won't need Mario after all! Luigi & Co. leave the desert, parting ways with Kolorado and his crew. Where will their adventure bring them next? Speaking of, let's see what Peach and Twink are up to..._

Peach: Wow, this chapter FINALLY comes out! What took so long?!

Twink: He was um... busy.

Peach: Yeah, busy... busy playing video games.

Well, uh.. um... SHUT UP!

Peach: Anyhow, what should we do now?

Twink: Let's go to the library! There should be a lot of useful information in there!

Peach: People don't read books anymore! We just look everything up on the internet!

Twink: Yes. But Bowser took away your computer, remember?

Peach: Oh yeah. Perhaps I shouldn't have Skyped with Mario...

Twink: Um.. what did you tell him?

Peach: I sent him some pictures.

Twink: ... Yeahhh, I know why he took it now. Anyhow, TO THE LIBRARY!

They go through the secret passage, to the castle's library.

Peach: Oh, shoot! There's guards in here!

Twink: Do you have a box?

Peach: What?

Twink: Nevermind.

Twink takes a book off the shelf and throws it into a corner, making a loud noise.

Koopatrol #1: It's that darn weasel again!

Koopatrol #2: SWIPER NO SWIPEE!!!

Several guards run to the corner to investigate, but two guards remain at the very end of the room. Peach and Twink head towards them and hide behind the bookcase, so they can eavesdrop on their conversation.

Koopatrol #3: … So yeah, did you hear that Luigi got ANOTHER Star Spirit?

Hammer Bro: Yeah, that Tutankoopa guy was always such a wimp. Although I hear that one of the Star Spirits is guarded by Tubba Blubba, he's invincible!

Peach: INVINCIBLE?!

Koopatrol #3: Hey, who was that?!

Twink: Way to go, Jabber Jaws…

Twink flies out of the conveniently placed window right as the Koopatrol and Hammer Bro come around the corner.

Hammer Bro: What the-- how did YOU get out of your room?

Koopatrol #3: We better take her inside before we get in big trouble…

They grab her and walk her back to her room.

Peach: I should learn to keep my mouth shut… oh well. I'll see what's on TV.

She turns on the TV, Full House appears onscreen.

Peach: Ew…

She changes the channel.

Peach: Um…

She changes the channel again.

Peach: What the--

She rapidly presses the channel button.

Peach: IT'S ON EVERY CHANNEL!!!


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: The Stocky Horror Picture Show

Luigi: Wow, I can't believe that I've got two already!

Mamar: Yeah! And then you beat that guy, and I go all swirly... SO FUN!

Luigi: You LIKE being in a card?

Mamar: Yeah, then I can play GoFish!

Luigi: Wha-- um... nevermind.

Twink: Hey, Luigi!

Luigi: Oh, Twink! What's up?

Twink: I found out that the next Star Spirit is being guarded by someone named Tubba Blubba. I think that he lives somewhere past Forever Forest.

Parakarry: Why is it called "Forever Forest"?

Twink: Because no one's ever gotten out.

Luigi: GAH!!! Can't you help us get through?

Twink: Um... oh, gee, look at the time! I need to get back to the Princess!

Luigi: Hey, you don't even HAVE a watch!

Twink flies away.

Parakarry: I don't like that guy.

Mamar: Wow, he was adorable! And he sounded like a chipmunk! WE'RE THE CHIPMUNKS!

Parakarry: ... I don't like her either.

Luigi: Get her out of here!

A boot appears and kicks her, making her fly away.

Mamar: I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYYYYY...

Parakarry: That was weird.

Luigi: You'll get used to it after awhile.

They walk over towards the forest, when a Guard stops them.

Guard: HAULT!

Luigi: What's the big idea?!

Guard: I'm not allowed to let anyone in! Dangerous monsters live inside!

Luigi: Do you know who I am? I'm Luigi!

Guard: ... Who?

Luigi: Mario's brother!

Guard: Mario has a brother?

Luigi: YES!

Guard: Huh. Well, I still can't let you in.

???: Hey.

The guard turns around.

Guard: Yeah?

The voice reveals itself to be a Boo and it makes a very scary face.

Boo: LEARN YOUR PLACE, YOU LITTLE CRETINS!

Luigi: YIKES! A g-g-ghost!

Luigi trembles in fear.

Boo: HA! Looks like we have a jumpy one! Come in if you dare... if you're not too much of a chicken, that is!

The Boo lets out its trademark high-pitched laugh and flies into the forest.

Guard: Well, w-w-what are you w-waiting for? G-go get him, Luigi!

Luigi: Why don't YOU go?! I'm just as scared as you are!

The guard shoves Luigi into the forest and locks the gate.

Luigi: Well, it looks like we don't have much of a choice.

Parakarry: This looks like some place Tim Burton would dream up!

Luigi: ... Is it just me, or do the trees have eyes?

Tree: It's just you.

Luigi: Oh, good, I-- hey, wait a minute!

Parakarry: ... Shall we run for our lives?

Luigi: Let's.

They run around and scream like little babies.

Parakarry: We've been running for 15 minutes! I think that we should've gotten a little further by now.

They stop and look up at a tree.

Luigi: ... Is that the same freaking tree?!

Tree: Yep. Sorry to disappoint.

Luigi: Ugh... this place is like a labyrinth! Can't you just fly up and carry me past the woods?

Parakarry: Well, I can try...

2 minutes later...

Parakarry: URGH!!! Ever heard of diets, pal?!

Luigi: Oh, hush! It looks like there's a mansion over there, maybe we can stop there and ask someone for directions?

Parakarrry: PRAISE THE LORD!

He lands on the ground, gasping for breath.

Luigi: Geez, do I really weigh THAT much?

They walk over towards the mansion, until they hear a certain familiar voice...

???: Luigi? I didn't expect YOU to be here!

Luigi: Eh?

Luigi and Parakarry turn around.

Luigi: E. Gadd! Long time no see!

Parakarry: (Why does he sound like an Ewok?)

E. Gadd: I came here to do some research! It turns out that this mansion is populated by Boos!

Luigi: Boy, doesn't THAT sound familiar...

E. Gadd: Yeah, good times... anyhow, what are you here for?

Luigi: Well... *insert exposition here* ... and that's why I'm here.

E. Gadd: Oh, alrighty then! Well, if that's the case, I think you'll need this!

He goes inside the cabin and come back out.

E. Gadd: Viola!

Luigi: The GameBoy Horror!

E. Gadd: It still has the Boo Radar on there and everything!

Stuffwell: ... and you better like it, god dang it!

Luigi: What was that?

E. Gadd: Oh, er… it was nothing! Good luck!

Luigi and Parakarry go into the mansion.

Luigi: H-hello? Is anyone there?

He takes out his GameBoy Horror, which is beeping like crazy.

Parakarry: Um... perhaps we should go somewhere else?

Luigi: Indeed.

They run towards the door, which suddenly locks on its own.

Luigi: Rats! The door suddenly locked on its own!

ARGH!!! I already said that!

Parakarry: Well, it looks like we're going to have to stay here for awhile.

Luigi: I just love it when you state the obvious.

They walk upstairs and enter a random room.

Luigi: Hey, a record player!

Parakarry: What's a record?

Luigi: They play music, they're from two formats ago. But now, people use them as paperweights.

Parakarry: I see... try playing it!

Luigi: Okay.

Luigi walks up to the record player and turns the crank, when the music suddenly starts to play.

Parakarry: ... "Surfing Bird"?

???: OH MY GOD! I LOVE this song!

A Boo suddenly appears, dancing to the music.

Parakarry: Hey, Luigi, do you see that? He has something shiny inside of him! SHINY, DARN IT!

Luigi squints.

Luigi: Yeah, he does! Hm...

Luigi slowly starts to turn the crank faster, thus speeding up the music and making the Boo increase the speed at which he dances.

Luigi: Just as I thought!

Eventually, Luigi makes the Boo dance so fast that he explodes (although the object somehow remains intact).

Luigi: It's…

Parakarry: An anvil?

Luigi: What in the holy mother of random pop culture references am I supposed to do with THIS?!

Luigi shrugs and picks it up.

Luigi: OH GAWD! IT'S SO HEAVY!

Parakarry: Now you know how **I** feel…

Luigi stumbles out of the room (due to its sheer weight) and falls on the chandelier, making it fall down to the floor, which opens a hidden door. Convoluted, ain't it?

Parakarry: Hey, Luigi! There's a new room here! Let's check it out!

Luigi: Alright…

Luigi lets go of the anvil and runs over towards the room.

Meanwhile, in Peach's Castle… wait, isn't this a little too early?

Bowser: As far as I'M concerned it isn't! Now then, let's get down to business…

Boo (the one at the beginning of the Chapter): Yes, sir, Mr. Bowser, sir!

Bowser: *sighs* You can stop calling me "sir", Timmy.

Timmy: Okay! Whatever you say si--

Bowser: *glares*

Timmy: … Sigfried & Roy?

Bowser: Ugh… never mind. Anyhow, some double agents pretending to work for some wealthy Boo informed me that one of those pesky Mario Bros. is up at Tubba Blubba's Mansion trying to get the Star Spirit! Somehow, you are one of my highest-ranking officers… so I'm assigning you to assist Tubba Blubba in giving that plumber the axe! If you know what I mean…

Timmy: Yeah, I think I do… but why would they need body spray?

Bowser: … Just leave.

Back to our heroes…

Boo: Why hello, Louis...

Luigi: Luigi!

Boo: ... Mort. I think we have something that you want!

Luigi: Oh yeah? What would THAT be?

The Boo takes out a pair of Blue Boots.

Boo: SUPER BOOTS!

Luigi: Um... really? What's so super abou--

Boo: Take it or leave it, bub.

Luigi: Alright, alright! Geez...

Boo: RANDOM BOO SQUADRON ASSEMBLE!

A bunch of Boos appear and suddenly circle each other in rapid succession, occasionally tossing the boots to another Boo.

Boo: Now... GUESS WHO!

*The Jeopardy theme plays in the background*

Luigi: That one.

Luigi points at a random Boo.

Boo: H-how did you know?!

The Boo throws the boots at the ground in frustration, which Luigi promptly slips on.

Luigi: You're transparent. I can see through all of you.

Boo: Oh... crap.

Generic Boo #2: PLAN B! PLAN B!

They whack Luigi and Parakarry in the back of their heads with a stick, which knocks them out.

Several hours later...

Luigi: Ugh... where am I... and where's my pants?!

Luigi rocks back and forth, realizing that he's tied to a chair.

Luigi: What the--

???: Confused, aren't you?

Luigi: Um... yeah, I am. WHAT'S GOING ON?!

???: That's not important. But for now, let me introduce myself...

She flies into a crack of light... if you actually want to know what she looks like, look it up on YouTube or something.

Bow: Th' name's Bow! I am the richest Boo in the Mushroom Kingdom, as well as the owner of this very mansion that you're unwillingly being held captive in!

Luigi: Oh... why'd you buy THIS mansion? It's a piece of crap.

Bow: It has good resale value.

Luigi: Ah.

Bow: But that's beside the point. There's a guy named Tubba Blubba who's hiding in this mansion... and he's eating Boos! I need you to help me stop him.

Luigi: Um... there's one flaw with your plan.

Bow: Eh? Wuzzat?

Luigi: Why would I want to help YOU?! You tied me up!

Bow: Ugh... you really need an incentive?! Men these days... BOOTLER!

Bootler: Yes, m'lady?

Bow: Lower the cage!

Bootler: Yes, mistress!

He lowers the cage... guess what's inside, readers!

Luigi: A Star Spirit!

Bow: S'right.

Luigi: Well... what if I still don't wanna help you?

Bow: I'll tell all of your friends that you wear Happy Bunny underpants.

Goombario: WHOA! SERIOUSLY?!

Luigi: GAH!!! Alright, fine! I'll help you! Sheesh...

Bow: Those are the words I wanted to hear.

Bow unties Luigi and throws him his overalls, which he puts back on.

Luigi: Alright, let's go.

Bow: 'K.

Luigi and Bow exit the room.

Luigi: Wait a minute... what happened to Parakarry?

Bow: Um...

Elsewhere...

A legion of Dry Bones march towards Parakarry.

Dry Bones: BRAINS... WE NEED BRAINS...

Parakarry: OH GAWD! I JUST DELIVER THE MAIL!

Back to our He—oh, you get the gist.

Bow: Beats me.

Luigi: Well, I guess HE'S off my Christmas list… c'mon, let's go.

They walk through the hallway, where Timmy suddenly materializes above them with an axe in hand.

Timmy: When Bowser said "Give him the axe" I didn't think that he was serious! Now then… it's time to get down to business…

Timmy looks down, spotting Luigi.

Timmy: Oh my god! THAT'S LUIGI!

Timmy swung his arms and lost his grip on the axe, which made it go flying out the window…

Ms. Mowz: Oh, what a wonderful day for a walk! Nothing bad could possibly happen right now!

The axe lands on Ms. Mowz, right in the center of her head.

Ms. Mowz: … Why must I be a running gag?! WHO LAUGHS FROM THIS?!

I do, now shut up. You're upsetting Kenny.

Kenny: (Yeah!)

Ms. Mowz: Huh?

Kenny: (I said "Yeah"!)

Ms. Mowz: I can't understand what this kid is saying!

Kenny: …

Kenny tackles Ms. Mowz and gets out a giant mallet, which he—

Luigi: Look, can we just get back to the story?!

Alright, alright! Party pooper…

Timmy: Aw, crap… NOW what am I going to do? Luigi's my friend… but Bowser's my boss… oh, I'm so conflicted! (More information on this relationship in a future parody! :P)

Bow: … Do you hear something?

Luigi: By now, I just try to tune out all idiocy.

Bow: Does it work?

Luigi: … Let's get back to looking for that Tubba Blubba fellow shall we?

Bow: Okay!

Luigi's hand suddenly starts wiggling.

Luigi: WTF...

Bow cuts his hand off with a chainsaw.

Luigi: GAHHHHHHH!!! #%& IT! What did you do that for?!

Bow: Your hand looked possessed to me.

Luigi: Okay... but even so, why would you do that?!

Bow: It worked in Evil Dead II.

Hand: You can't believe EVERYTHING that you see in movies!

Luigi and Bow stared at him wide-eyed.

Luigi: ... KILL IT!

One battle with the hand later...

Luigi: Whew... I finally exorcised it and managed to reattatch it!

Bow: I can't believe that you managed to get that hand out of your throat!

Luigi: Don't you just love stuff that you can't see?

After Luigi says those words of wisdom, he walks upstairs until he hears someone stomping towards them.

Luigi: YIKES!

Bow: Quick, hold my hand!

Luigi does so.

Luigi: ... Aren't you gonna turn invisible?

Bow: Huh? What do you mean?

Luigi: Um... try doing an impression of Lindsey Lohan's career!

Bow: OH! I can do that!

She makes them dissapear right as Tubba Blubba walks into the hallway.

Tubba Blubba: No one's here... I swore that I heard something. Oh well, I guess I'll call my cousin and see how that Glitz Pitz thing is going and then I'll take a quick nap.

Tubba Blubba yawns and lumbers towards his room, with Bow turning back to normal once Tubba is a safe distance away.

Bow: Did you hear that?!

Luigi: Hear what?

Bow: He's going to sleep!

Luigi: ... So?

Bow: Gee, aren't YOU a buzzkill. Won't you let me have ANYTHING?

Luigi rolls his eyes and walks towards Tubba Blubba's room, where he now hears snoring.

Luigi: Okay, he's asleep now... we're going in!

They go into the room, where Tubba is laying on the bed, with a bowl of Cheese Puffs in his lap and Family Guy playing on TV.

Luigi: Wow. He's out like a rock... let's steal his stuff!

Bow: Okay!

Luigi wanders through the room until he finds a Key.

Key: Help me!

Luigi: Whoa! You can talk?!

Key: Yeah! I'm the key to the Windmill! Please rescue me!

Luigi: But... aren't you Tubba Blubba's property?

Key: He has really bad gas.

Luigi: Ah. Okay, let's skedaddle while the guy's still aslee--

He glances over at Bow, who has put shaving cream on one of Tubba's hands and is tickling his nose.

Luigi: Bow, NO!!!

Tubba puts his hand on his face, covering himself with shaving cream.

Tubba Blubba: ... GRAUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!

Luigi: You idiot...

Key: Let's get outta here!

Luigi grabs Bow and the Key and runs out of the room, with Tubba Blubba following shortly after.

Luigi: Hey Bow, is there some sort of shortcut that we can take?

Bow: Yeah, sure. There's a village right outside the mansion that leads directly to it. And it's entirely populated by Boos! Convinient, huh?

Luigi: Yeah... a little too convinient.

Key: Those Japanese writers sure love their plot devices!

Luigi runs to the village, jumping over the gate along the way.

Luigi: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

Boo #1: ... Huh? What's that guy's problem?

Boo #2: Um... I think that's why.

He points to Tubba Blubba, who is sprinting towards the village.

Boo #1: Oh... well, that would explain it.

The entire town is immediately in pandemonium... which increases as Tubba runs into the town and starts eating every Boo in sight.

Luigi: Holy CDi! No wonder you're afraid of this guy!

Bow: inorite

Key: Hey, I see the windmill over there!

The Key points (to the best of its ability) towards the windmill.

Luigi: Excellent!

Luigi runs faster and makes it to the windmill, where he uses the key to unlock the door, and then takes it back out so he can lock it from the inside.

Luigi: Whew... that should hold him off for awhile.

Bow: Yeah... but what will we DO in here?

Key: Welll... the secret to Tubba Blubba's immortality just so happens to be at the bottom of this windmill!

Luigi: Well... that's certainly handy. C'mon Bow!

Key: I'll be waiting for your eventual return! ... Or your death, I'm not quite sure.

Luigi: Thanks...

Luigi and Bow go down the stairs until they reach a door.

Bow: HEY, LOOK!

Luigi: What?

Bow: It's a door! If you open it, it'll probably lead to something!

Luigi: ... Do you ALWAYS point out the obvious?

Bow: Clouds are in the sky!

Luigi: I'll take that as a yes.

Luigi opens the door and finds a heart with eyes.

Heart: Oh... crap! How could you have found me?!

Luigi: Um... what ARE you?!

Heart: I'm Tubba Blubba's heart, ofcourse!

Luigi: You look more like a Valentine's decoration to me.

Heart: ... Shut up.

Bow: Hey, let's have a fight to the death... a... MORTAL KOMBAT!

The Mortal Kombat theme plays in the background as Luigi and the heart fight... it actually ends pretty quickly, seeing as all that Luigi did was put his foot ontop of it.

Luigi: Was it really a good idea for you to fight something that's three times your size?

Heart: It seemed like a good idea at the time...

The heart squeezes out from under Luigi's foot and hops up the stairs and somehow manages to make it to Tubba Blubba, despite the door being locked... oh yeah, and Luigi and Bow follow it, I guess.

Heart: Help me! I'm done for!

Tubba Blubba: But if we're reunited, I'll lose my immortality.

Heart: ... So?

Tubba Blubba: Can't argue with that logic.

Tubba Blubba swallows his heart whole.

Luigi: Um... why did you do that?

Tubba Blubba: What do ya' mean?

Luigi: Swallowing your heart won't get it back to where it was! Instead, you'll just end up digesting it!

Tubba Blubba: Oh... well, this is embarrasi--

Timmy: TIMMEH!!!

He crashes into Tubba's back at a high speed, which makes him spit out all of the Boos that he swallowed.

Tubba Blubba: ... Ow.

Tubba Blubba flashes white and explodes, for no reason.

Bow: What the heck?!

Luigi: Y-you don't wanna know...

Bow: Um... let's go get you that Pure Heart, shall we?

Luigi: Okay...

Luigi & Co. go out into the distance, somewhat disturbed.

END OF CHAPTER

Luigi got another Pure Heart! ... Although Bow could've just given it to him earlier. What a jerk. Anyhow, his journey is almost half-over! Pretty good for a "sidekick", huh? Anyhow, let's see how Peach and Twink are doing! ... I mean, it's not like there's anything else to talk about.

At Peach's Castle...

Peach: Hey, did you hear that Super Mario Galaxy 2 is coming out in May?

Twink: So soon? It's only March!

Peach: Yeah... and to think that the last chapter was done in October... hint, hint, wink, wink.

Twink: Nudge, nudge...

Okay, I get it!

Peach: Anyhow, whst do you want to do today?

Twink: Should we raid Bowser's fridge again?

Peach: Hm... yeah, that sounds like a good idea!

They go through the passage and stuff.

Peach: Geeze, the author's getting really lazy lately.

Thank you.

Twink: I don't think that was a compliment.

A boot appears out of thin air and kicks Twink out of a window.

Twink: AHHHHHHHHHHH--

Peach: Yikes...

You want to comment on anything?

Peach: Um... no, I'm good!

Peach walks into the kitchen, Twink is suddenly inside.

Twink: Hey, there!

Peach: How did you--

Twink: I suddenly remembered that I could fly!

Peach: Er... okay. Anyway, let's go take his truffles again!

Twink: Yeah, that really ticks him off!

They wander through the kitchen until they find an extremely fat Shy Guy wearin' a chef's hat.

Chef Guy: H-how you doin'... *BURRRRRRP* Y-you're Peach, riiight?

Peach: Um... yeah.

Twink: Do you have diabetes ye--

Peach nudges him.

Twink: Hey, not so hard! Just because we're in a relationship doesn't mean you can take advantage of me!

Peach: Wait... what?!

Twink: You know what this is!

Peach: Um... anyway, yeah, I'm Princess Peach. Why do you want to know?

Chef Guy: I heard that you can make a darn good cake. *Maxmimum Burpage* Can you make one for me? I'll do something for you in exchange.

Peach: Uh... sure! I'll be right back!

She runs off to the counter, while taking several cooking supplies.

Twink: Are you sure that you still know how to bake a cake?

Peach: Ofcourse! In the semi-annoying words of Bubsy: "What could possibly go wrong?"

Several Minutes Later...

Chef Guy: Oooooh, that cake looks nice...

Peach: Can you tell me where a Star Spirit is?

Chef Guy: Sure. There's one in Shy Guy Toy Box. It's in Toad Town.

Chef Guy takes a bite of the cake.

Chef Guy: I-is this coconut?

Peach: Yes. Why do you ask?

Chef Guy: I'm... allergic to coconut!

Chef Guy flashes white.

Twink: What the--

Peach: RUN!


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Saving Private Twink

Luigi: Thanks for all of the help, Timmy! It's been awhile since I've seen you!

Timmy: Yeah, it has been (Even though I'm a fan character...)! Well, anyway, I've got to get going before Bowser figures out what I've been doing. Seeya, Luigi!

Luigi gives Timmy a high-five and waves at him as he flies away.

Luigi: ... So, Bow, how'd you get that Star Spirit, anyway?

Bow: Oh, I have my ways...

*flashback*

Bow: Hey, can I have that card?

Tubba Blubba: Sure, whatever.

*end of flashback* (I hope I don't get sued by FOX)

Luigi: Um... ok, then.

Skolar: Well, my fine gents, I guess we shall be parting ways!

Luigi: Yeah. I guess the same goes for us, Bow.

Bow: Oh... no! I'm goin' with you.

Luigi: Wait... what?

Bootler: Whatever do you mean, my mistress?!

Bow: I can take care of myself!

Bootler: You can't even brush your own teeth, without me to help you!

Bow: Er... anyway, let's go!

She pushes Luigi out the doorway and they go back into the Forest.

Not long after they get into the forest, a certain someone jumps out of one of the bushes.

Jr. Troopa: Guess who, punk!

Luigi: Beats me.

Jr. Troopa: GAH!!! We met in the Prologue!

Luigi: Oh yeah, you're that little brat that wouldn't get out of my way.

Jr. Troopa: Grrrr... I'M NOT A LITTLE BRAT! I'M JR. TROOPA, DANG IT! I'm badder than the Axem Rangers!

Luigi: ... You're kidding, right? Those Red and Blue Goombas were more of a challenge than you!

Bow: ... Is that an eggshell?

Jr. Troppa: That was the straw that broke the Camel's back! THIS will put you in your place!

A spike grows on his head.

Jr. Troopa: Are you scared now?

Luigi: Um... no.

Bow: Not really.

Jr. Troopa: You shall feel the wrath of my spikeyness!

Jr. Troopa charges towards Luigi. Luigi then grabs his spike and tosses Jr. Troopa somewhere behind himself, almost effortlessly.

Luigi: C'mon, let's go.

Luigi starts walking again.

Bow: ... Seriously, was he in an eggshell?

Meanwhile...

Twink: I can't believe that guy exploded just from eating coconut!

Peach: ... Shouldn't you be waiting in Toad Town or something?

Twink: Well... yeah. But I was playing God of War. God of War is SRS business.

Kammy: HEY, TOADSTOO—ow!

Bowser: Didn't you get the memo?! We don't use her localized name anymore!

Kammy: Oh... um… PEACH!

Peach: *whispers* Twink, go!

Twink nods and flies out of the window.

Peach: Come in!

Bowser opens the door and walks inside, with Kammy following close behind.

Bowser: Hello, Princess… how are you?  
Peach: Pretty good, I guess… There's not much to do, though.

Bowser: Oh, really now? Well… try out this survey!

Bowser hands a piece of paper (attached to a clipboard) and a pen to her.

Bowser: Luigi's been getting a little too big for his britches… so you have to put checkmarks on the things that he hates the most.

Kammy: We'll be anticipating your answers!

Bowser: Yeah, I mean, it's not like you'll try to betray us and actually put in things that would help him!

Peach: …

Bowser: Anyway, we'll be waiting outside the room.

In Toad Town…

Luigi: Ahhh… it feels good to be back!

Guard: Wait… you're alive?!

Luigi: Er… yeah.

Guard: We prepared your funeral and everything!

Luigi: But I've only been gone for about an hour and a half.

Guard: … Honestly, we don't really have any faith in you.

Luigi glances to the side, trying not to look angry.

Luigi: Why?! The thing that Mario's probably the most well known for is jumping, and I can jump higher than him!

Guard: Really? Huh… never noticed that. Well, I guess I'll have to go cancel that funeral now…

Luigi rolls his eyes as he walks back into the town.

Luigi: I wonder where Twink is? He's usually around town before we get here.

Twink conveniently appears right as Luigi says this.

Twink: Whew… sorry I'm late! I had an intense God of War session!

Luigi: That's alright. Where's the next Star Spirit at?

Twink: Right in this very town!

Luigi: Wow, talk about a lucky break!

Twink: … You didn't let me finish. It's in a place called The Shy Guy Toy Box.

Bow: S'at a toy store or something?

Luigi: Uh, I don't think that's the case…

Luigi points to a bunch of Shy Guys running amok in the town.

Twink: HOLY GUACAMOLE!

Bow: Hey, I like guacamole!

Twink stares blankly at her.

Bow: … What?

Twink: Um… anyway, I think I'll be going no—

A Shy Guy suddenly jumps into the air, grabs Twink, and runs off in practically an instant.

Luigi: … What the heck just happened?!

Bow: Don't ask me! I don't even know who that guy is!

Luigi: Remind me why you came along again.

Luigi follows the Shy Guy into a random house.

Bow: Wow, all we had to use was this cardboard box!

Luigi: Works every time!

The Shy Guy looks around the room (he doesn't hear them in the box, due to his hood) and opens the toy box, jumping into it.

Bow: Whoa…

Luigi: C'mon, let's go!

Luigi throws the box off and hops inside, with Bow close behind.

Luigi: Wow… this place is HUGE!!!

Bow: S' like Alice in Wonderland!

Luigi: … in a theater near you!

They looks around this vast world. One of the first things that they spot is a train. They walk over to the conductor.

Luigi: So… you work here?  
Blue Conductor: Yeah, sure, they have good benefits! The Shy Guys are in practically every profession ever!

Luigi: Boy, doesn't that sound familiar… *cough*Mario*cough* Anyway, does this train work?

BlueConductor: No, not right now. Parts of the tracks are missing!

Luigi: Wha… Who the heck would take train tracks?!

Blue Conductor: They heard that you were coming here, so they took the tracks away to impede your progress.

Luigi: They actually planned ahead?! … Dang, these guys are GOOD.

Luigi paces back and forth.

Luigi: I actually have competent foes for once! Hm… what to do, what to do…

Bow: What we need now is… a plot device!

Luigi: Yeah! They're always handy! … But where could we find one in a place like this?

He decides to walk to another area in the room, scanning the area around him.

Bow: Hey, that guy may have one!

She points at a black Shy Guy.

Luigi: Hey... you're right! He looks different from the others!

As Luigi walks toward him, he steps on a spot on the ground, setting off a trap (kind of like Indiana Jones).

Luigi: What the--

Shy Guys: ATTACK!

Shy Guys fly in (they tied balloons to themselves) and use peashooters to spit rocks at Luigi.

Luigi: OW! That hurt!

Luigi runs around, trying to dodge the rocks.

Luigi: BOW, DO SOMETHING!

Bow: 'K.

Bow grabs Luigi as he's running by and throws him into the air. He steers himself towards the Shy Guys and bashes them with a hammer, making them fall to the ground.

The black Shy Guy, Anti Guy starts clapping.

Anti Guy: Congratulations, you got rid of my human shields! ... AND I PITY THE FOOL WHO MESSES WITH MY HUMAN SHIELDS!

Anti Guy takes out a pistol.

Bow: HOLY CRAP! He's got a piece!

Luigi: Hey, that's not fair!

Anti Guy: Why not? Mario had a bazooka once!

Luigi: Oh yeah! That was when he was trying to get rid of Rush Limbaugh…

Anti Guy: Alright, now... raise your hands!

Luigi: But I--

Anti Guy: I SAID, RAISE YOUR HANDS!

Anti Guy loads the gun and Luigi and Bow raise their hands into the air.

Luigi: This is what a hostage situation is like, kids!

Anti Guy: Alright, now follow me, or else I'll bust a cap in your ass!

Bow: HEY, LANGUAGE!

Anti Guy walks them over to another room, where there's a very authoritive-looking Shy Guy sitting inside of a tank.

Anti Guy: I got the intruders, just like you ordered me to, General Guy!

Anti Guy salutes.

General Guy: Excellent...

General Guy hops out of the tank, revealing that he's very short... shorter than the other Shy Guys, anyway.

Luigi: PFFFFT... hey, Peewee! What'cha gonna do, force us to have a tea party with you?

Luigi and Bow laugh uncontrollably.

General Guy: ...

General Guy walks over to Luigi and kicks him very hard in the shin.

Luigi: OW!!!

General Guy: Nobody EVER compares me to Paul Reubens... NOBODY!

Luigi: Geez... you're strong for such a little guy.

General Guy: That settles it! You two will be our new POWs, and we'll put you in a special cell... it'll be EXTRA dirty and uncomfortable! SERGEANT! Make sure to put extra cinder blocks in their pillow cases!

Sgt. Guy: DE ARIMASU!

General Guy: ... Huh?

Sgt. Guy: Er... nothing.

Sgt. Guy runs off.

General Guy: Um... yes, anyway, take them to their cells, random generic Shy Guy!

Random Generic Shy Guy: 'K.

The Shy Guy takes them to their special cell and slams the door shut.

General Guy: Heh... I hope you learned your lesson, plumber! After all, you won't be getting out of that cell any time soon...

Luigi: Why not?!

General Guy: Because Bowser entrusted ME to guard the Star Spirit!

General Guy takes the card out of hammer-space and hands it to a random Shy Guy, who puts it in the tank.

General Guy: ... I also have that little friend of yours. Twink, isn't it?

Luigi: Twink? What did you do with him?!

General Guy: Oh, you'll find out soon enough…

General Guy starts to walk away from the cell.

General Guy: … AS SOON AS SOMEONE GETS THAT GUNPOWDER I ASKED FOR!

The Shy Guys start to scramble around madly.

Luigi: Well… I never thought that it would end like this…

Bow: Yeah… good thing I saved this for just such an occasion!

She takes out a harmonica and starts playing sad songs with it.

Luigi: Oh gawd… Bow, don't do that!

???: Ugh…

A light suddenly starts flickering, from the other person (a female) in the room.

???: I-is that music?

Luigi: Bow, wait, stop!

Bow stops playing the instrument and they both stare at her for a moment (once again, when in doubt, go to YouTube... or the Mario Wiki).

???: … What?

Luigi: Who are you?

???: Oh… my name is Watt. I've been a prisoner here for a few weeks.

Bow: Hey, we just got here today!

Watt: Huh, small world… what are you here for?

Luigi: We tried to fight the Black Shy Guy.

Watt: … How long did YOU last?

Bow: About 10 seconds.

Watt: Well, that was 2 seconds longer than me. Well done!

Luigi: Um… thanks, I guess.

Watt: Did you insult the General's size?

Luigi: Er… Hey, you can apparently create light in here, did you try to find a way out of here?  
Watt: What do you think I've been doing here for the past few weeks?

Luigi: Well, that's disappointing…

Luigi looks down at the ground, seeing a section of the floor that's boarded up.

Luigi: Wait a minute… everyone, stand—er… float out of the way!

Both Bow and Watt move aside and Luigi uses his recently acquired Spin Jump ability to bust through the planks.

Watt: Wow, that was amazing!

Luigi: Aw, it's nothing!

Watt: No, really! Thanks for saving me! I'll stick with you, through thick and thin!

Bow suddenly flies into Luigi's pocket.

Bombette: … Hey, who're you? Where's that mailman guy?

Bow: Err…

Luigi: Anyway, where are we?

Watt: I think it's the basement!

Luigi: What makes ya' say that?

Watt shines brighter, revealing a bunch of boxes filled with ammo and weapons, surrounding them.

Watt: Oh, no reason…

Luigi: Sheesh! This place is more like an armory than a basement!

Watt: General Guy loves his Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Luigi: So I see…

Luigi spots a crate of Lemon Candies.

Luigi: Hey, what are those?

Watt smiles.

Watt: I have an idea!

She takes one of the Lemon Candies and exits the Basement with Luigi.

Anti Guy: HEY! What are you guys doi—

Watt throws the Lemon Candy into his mouth.

Anti Guy: O-oh GOD. Th-this is like HEAVEN!

Anti Guy suddenly sits on the ground and starts sucking on it complacently.

Luigi: Wow, how did you know that would work?!

Watt: Every day, I hear him going on and on about how much he loves that stuff… apparently, he loves it a little TOO much.

Luigi: I see…

Luigi and Watt wander around until they spot Gourmet Guy (the really fat Shy Guy) sitting in the middle of the train tracks.

Luigi: Hey, didn't you explode in the last chapter?!

Gourmet Guy: Yes. What's it to ya'?

Luigi: Um… anyway, why are you sitting in the middle of the tracks?

Gourmet Guy: Because I'm tired.

Luigi: Um… Do you know where any of the missing ones are?

Gourmet Guy: I ate them.

Luigi: …

Watt: WHO THE HECK WOULD EAT TRAIN TRACKS?!

Gourmet Guy: I would.

Luigi: Well, can you spit them back out?

Gourmet Guy: Yes… IF YOU BEAT ME IN A SUMO WRESTLING MATCH!

Gourmet Guy struggles to get up… and Luigi pushes him back down.

Gourmet Guy: … Alright, you win.

He gets back up (after a few minutes) and the tracks magically fly out of his mouth, rearranging themselves in the correct places.

Gourmet Guy: I'm gonna go home and eat a pizza…

Gourmet Guy grumbles and [very slowly] walks off.

Watt: That… was bizarre.

Luigi: Tell me about it.

Luigi and Watt go into one of the trains.

Pink Conductor: Like, greetings passengers! Our next stop is like, General Guy's Ultra-Awesome-Secret-Lair! Isn't that thuper?!

Luigi yawns.

Kolorado: Luigi, is that you?

Luigi: Hi, Professor!

Pennington: Why, Luigi, cheerio!

Luigi: … Hey, Pennington.

Kolorado: Pennington, you stupid bloke!

Kolorado whacks him with a rubber chicken.

Kolorado: Stop trying to impersonate my perfect British accent!

Pennington: But you're not even British!

Kolorado: …

Kolorado whacks him again.

Pennington: OW!

Kolorado: Anyway, what are you doin' here, old chap?

Luigi: We're trying to get to General Guy, so we can get the Star Spirit.

Kolorado: Ah. Well, we're riding this train all the way to Yoshi's Island.

Watt: … How can you even get to there from here?

Pennington: Because Mario games aren't really all that logical to begin with.

Watt: Ah.

Pink Conductor: We have arrived at our destination! Have a nice day!

Kolorado: Well, I'll be seeing you later, Luigi!

Luigi: Okay! And good luck with that Yoshi's Island thing! I don't think we'll be going there any time soon…

Luigi and Watt get off of the train… and Kammy is in the entrance to General Guy's base, staring at them.

Kammy: There ya' are, you little whippersnappers… try THIS on for size!

Kammy makes a Starman appear.

Kammy: HEEHEEHEE!!!

Kammy teleports herself back to Bowser's Castle.  
Luigi walks to General Guy's base.

Luigi: Eh, what's this?

Luigi picks up the Starman.

Luigi: Heh… EXCELLENT…

Meanwhile…

Shy Guy: General Guy! General Guy!

General Guy: What is it, Generic Shy Guy #2?! Can't you see that I'm shining Amy?!

The Shy Guy looks at him, seeing a rifle in his lap.

Shy Guy: Um… right. But Luigi and that sparky thing have disposed of both Anti Guy and Gourmet Guy!

General Guy: WHAT?! Those are our most powerful troops!

Shy Guy: Yeah… and he's in our base right now!

General Guy: WHAT?!

Luigi busts through the wall, with his hammer.

Luigi: Hello there, shorty!

General Guy: … Poo. SEND OUT THE BOB-OMB SQUADRON!

An army of Bob-Ombs march towards Luigi… when he promptly throws his hammer at one of them, which makes them all explode on impact.

General Guy: ARGH! Never send some bombs to do a crazy man's job!

General Guy hops into his tank and fires at Luigi… except he's still standing! … And flashing!

General Guy: DOUBLE POO!

Luigi jumps up, sticks General Guy in the tank gun and fires it, making General Guy fly off into parts unknown.

General Guy: I KNEW I SHOULD'VE GOTTEN LIFE INSURANCE!!!

Watt spots something glowing in a panel on the front of the tank.

Watt: Hey! What's in here?

She zaps the glass, breaking it open.

Twink: H-hey, I'm free!

Luigi: Twink, it's you!

Twink: Thanks, guys… and oh yeah, I know where the Star Spirit is!

Twink flies into the tank and looks around for a few seconds, until he takes the card out and gives it to Luigi.

Luigi: YA-HO!

_END OF CHAPTER_

_Luigi got his 4__th__ Star Spirit! … and to think that he might've NEVER gotten it, if it wasn't for that Starman! You're half way through, Luigi! But be careful… it's going to get A LOT tougher along the way! But before we end this chapter, we're going to focus on a certain character for now…_

Mario: Forgot about me, didn't ya'? WAHOO!

Mario is flying the air with his Racoon Suit, searching around Peach's castle for a place to enter.

Mario: Hm… now, let's see…

Mario spots a broken window.

Mario: Hey, there's a window that's already open for me!

He flies through the hole in the window.

Mario: Hm… there doesn't seem to be anyone around! Rescuing the Princess is going to be a CINCH!

He opens the door out of the room… only to find General Guy and an army of Shy Guys standing in front of him.

General Guy: Hello there…

Mario: YIKES!

General Guy: Give up, plumber! You're outnumbered!

Mario: … Hey, can you tell me where the next Star Spirit's at?

General Guy: HA! I'll NEVER tell you that the next Star Spirit is at Yoshi's Island! Not in a million years!

Everyone stares blankly at him.

General Guy: … DANG IT! Shy Guys, throw him out of the window!

Mario: Pfft… you don't have the guts to do that!

5 minutes later…

Mario: I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DID THAT!


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: This Island Yoshi

Twink: Thanks a bundle for saving me!

Luigi: Hey, what was he using you for, anyway?

Twink: He used me to super-power his tank! ... But you having a starman made that plot point almost completely useless.

Twink stares at me... which is creepy. STOP IT, CREEPY !

Luigi: Anyway, I wonder where the next Star Spirit's at? Usually, YOU tell me where it is.

Twink: Yeah, I'm wondering that myself...

Watt: Hey Luigi, there's a guy that looks just like you! Is he your brother?

They look over at Mario, who's running towards them.

Mario: THERE you are, Luigi! I've been looking all over for you!

Luigi: What is it, Mario?

Mario: Well, long story short, I found out where a Star Spirit is!

Luigi: That's great! ... Where is it?

Mario: Yoshi's Island!

Luigi, Watt, and Twink all stare awkwardly at each other for a moment.

Watt: ... Maybe we should've stayed in the train.

Mario: Oh, don't worry, there's a dock in the south of town. You can take a boat that goes straight to the island!

Luigi: That's... helpful.

Watt: And isn't that a little too--

Twink: Predictable? Contrived? CONVINIENT?

... An Albatross swoops in out of nowhere, eats Twink, and flies away again.

Watt: Oh my god... this author is sadis--

Luigi covers her mouth.

Luigi: Riiiiight, let's just go to the dock!

Meanwhile...

Shy Guy: Alright, General Guy, they're going to the docks, just as we predicted!

General Guy: I told you, I'm not General Guy anymore...

He steps out of the shadows, revealing that he's wearing a pirate hat, an eye patch, and a fake peg leg... oh yeah, and he's also holding a sword.

General Guy: ... I am CAPTAIN Guy now! ARRRRRRRR!

Shy Guy: Yes, sir, I know, I know... but do we really have to wear these peg legs? They make it really hard to walk...

Captain Guy: DON'T QUESTION MY LEADERSHIP!

Captain Guy uses his sword to slice the Shy Guy's hat in half.

Captain Guy: ... Go get another pirate hat from storage.

Shy Guy: *sigh* Yes, sir...

Luigi: Okay... why don't I see any boats?!

Mario: Hm... it seems that they've all been rented!

Luigi: WHO WOULD RENT EVERY BOAT IN THE DOCK?!

Captain Guy: With this army of boats that I sto--er... rented, no one will stand in my way! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Watt: How are we supposed to get to the island with no boats?

Kolorado: Hello there, gents! Turns out that the train couldn't go directly to Yoshi's Island, so we had to get off at Toad Town!

Luigi: Okay... but do you really have to bring HIM?

He points at Pennington.

Pennington: I deduce *munch* that we have run out of *munch* Pringles! I inquire that we should get more!

Kolorado: He makes me look much better by comparison.

Luigi: Ah.

Kolorado: ... Hey, where are all of the boats?

Watt: That's what WE want to know.

Pennington: OH MY GOD! ... When did SHE get here?!

Watt: ...

Watt shines brighter, which goes through Pennington's monocle and damages his eye even more.

Pennington: GYAHHHHHH!!!

They all laugh at Pennington's misfortune as Watt spots something suddenly rising out of the ocean.

Watt: Hey, what's that?

Luigi: It looks like a whale, so I'm going to do the most sensible thing... I'm gonna do a Ground Pound on it!

Luigi does exactly that.

Whale: GAH!!! WTF WAS THAT FOR?!

Luigi: Oh, er... sorry.

Whale: Sorry? SORRY?! THAT HURT LIKE HECK! It's almost worse than having my blubber being illegally turned into oil!

Luigi: Well, geez... is there anything I can do to make up for it?

Whale: Well, there's a parasite slowly eating away at my insides. I want you to get it out.

Luigi: ... You serious?

Whale: LUIGI MARIO, COME ON DOWN!

The whale uses his blowhole to suck Luigi inside of his body.

Luigi: That was... disturbing.

Luigi dusts himself off and walks around, inside of the whale's body.

Luigi: Blech, this is GROSS... I hope I'll never have to do anything like this again.

Luigi spots the "parasite" (in reality, a Fuzzipede) munching on the whale's stomach.

Luigi: Um... are you supposed to be a parasite?

Fuzzipede turns around.

Fuzzipede: What da'... HECK no!

Luigi: Then why are you slowly eating away at the whale's insides while he dies a slow and agonizing death?

Fuzzipede: I've been trapped in 'dis place for WEEKS! What ELSE am I supposed ta' do?! Just wait here until I starve ta' death?!

Luigi: Well, you can always tug his uvula...

Fuzzipede: ... SON OF A--

Whale: ACHOOOO!!!

Luigi and the Fuzzipede suddenly fly out of the whale's blowhole, landing on the dock.

Luigi: ... What just happened?

Mario gives Luigi a thumbs up as he takes out a giant feather.

Mario: That was great, hu--

The feather suddenly dissapears as Mario gets a cape on his back.

Mario: Oh great, not THAT again. It takes FOREVER to get this thing off. Well, in the meantime, I guess I'll fly there. Seeya!

Mario waves goodbye as he flies off into the distance.

Fuzzipede: ... That was whack.

Fuzzipede hops off.

Whale: Um... yes, well, thank you for helping me get that thing out, I guess... do you all want to take a ride on me or something?

All: Sure!

Luigi, Watt, and Kolorado hop onto the whale.

Kolorado: ... You ready yet?!

Pennington: I'M COMIN', I'M COMIN'!

Pennington hops onto the whale.

Pennington: Alright, I'm ready.

Kolorado: Um ... Are you wearing an eye patch?

Whale: So, where do you all want to go?

Luigi: To Yoshi's Island!

Whale: Good... I actually know where that is!

The whale turns around and starts to swim toward the island.

Meanwhile...

Captain Guy: Ah, the fresh air... the polluted ocean water... this day feels right, ya' know? It just feels right!

Shy Guy: CAPTAIN!

The Shy Guy runs toward Captain Guy, but trips, due to his peg leg.

Captain Guy: What is it, ye scallywag?!

Shy Guy: It's Mario!

Captain Guy: What did you say?!

Shy Guy: I said that Mario's coming, sir!

Captain Guy: ... Interesting. Lemme see! I WANNA SEE!

Captain Guy grabs the telescope and looks out into the sky, seeing Mario fly with his cape.

Captain Guy: Hey, it IS Mario! You'd think that he would've learned after we threw him out of that window!

Shy Guy: What should we do, sir?!

Captain Guy: What else?! We should commit mindless acts of violence!

Shy Guy: ... What kind of--

Captain Guy: FIRE THE BULLET BILLS!

The Shy Guys scramble around madly as they fire Bullet Bills at Mario.

Mario: MAMA MIA!

Mario gets hit by one and loses his power-up.

Mario: Uh-oh...

He falls down on to the ship, where he's surrounded by Shy Guys.

Shy Guy #2: What should we do with 'im, cap'n?

Captain Guy: Just let our new recruits handle him...

At Yoshi's Island...

Whale: Well, this is where I drop you all off! I'll wait here until you get back... I mean, it's not like I have anything else to do. After all… I'm a whale!

Luigi: Thanks.

Luigi & Co. hop off of the whale and walk onto the beach.

Kolorado: Ah, yes, the sweet smell of victory! Now that we're on the island, we just need to go to Mt. Lavalava!

Watt: … Seriously, did the developers just run out of names, or something?!

Pennington: I deduce that that… is most likely.

Luigi: What are you looking for there, anyway?

Kolorado: A rare and expensive artifact! … If any museums want it for enough money, I can take myself a well-deserved relocation to the Bahamas!

Luigi: I see…

Kolorado: We shall venture forth! … Until we find something shiny and expensive!

They all march into a nearby forest.

Spear Guy: (Hey, they not from here!)

Fuzzy: (Yeah! … and Koopa mustache just look fake.)

Spear Guy: (ATTACK!)

The Spear Guy and Fuzzy suddenly start attacking Kolorado and Pennington.

Kolorado: OWWWWW!!! HELP!!!! THIS IS SOMEWHAT INCONVINIENT!!!

Pennington: WAHHHHHHH!!! I'M TO PRETTY TO DIE!!!!

Luigi sighs and jumps on both the Fuzzy and the Spear Guy's heads, making them vanish into a puff of smoke.

Kolorado: Um… yes, TALLY HO!!!

Kolorado walks along until he reaches the edge. Below is a river of boiling magma, which borders Mt. Lavalava.

Kolorado: ... Crap.

Luigi: What is it?

Kolorado: There's no bridge here! How are we supposed to get into the dangerous volcano NOW?!

Pennington: I deduce that we should go back into the village to ask for help...

Luigi: Um... I could just carry both of you and just jump up there.

Kolorado: NO! That would be too easy!

Luigi: Huh? What do you mean?

Watt: We need to make the chapter longer.

Luigi: Ah.

They walk into [the creatively named] Yoshi Village... a village inhabited by Yoshies. Right now, everyone is in a huge state of panic.

Kolorado: It seems that everyone is in a huge state of panic!

Luigi: Apparently.

Watt: I wonder what's going on?

Chief Yoshi: IT'S TERRIBLE!

Pennington: Is all of the fruit missing? ... If so, it wasn't me.

Chief Yoshi: Wha--no! All of the children are missing! Someone volunteered to go find them... but she never returned!

Luigi: ... Yeah, that's pretty terrible.

Watt: Don't worry, we'll help! ... Isn't that right, guys?

She glances over at Kolorado and Pennington.

Kolorado: Sure! Wherever are they at?

Chief Yoshi: I think they're in a swamp.

Pennington: Er... that's gonna be a problem.

Chief Yoshi: ... Why?

Kolorado: Well, um... neither one of us can swim.

Luigi: You're telling me that a turtle and a penguin can't even swim?!

Pennington: Not unless you give us floaties.

Luigi groans.

Luigi: C'mon, Watt, we'll do this ourselves.

Watt nods (with the best of her ability) and follows Luigi into the swamp.

Chief Yoshi: Oh, thank you! Thank you ever so much!

Down in the Bayou...

Luigi: Now, where could those little rascals be at?

Luigi spots a Yoshi across the river.

Luigi: There's one!

He tries to jump into the river, but ends up getting blocked by an invisible force field.

Luigi: Oh great, not another one...

Watt giggles.

Watt: Silly! You can't just jump into the water willy-nilly! You need to be on some sort of surface! Everyone knows that!

Luigi: First time I'VE heard of it... well, I guess I better go find something!

Luigi and Watt casually strolls through the deadly swamp.

Watt: Hey, will SHE suffice?

Watt turns Luigi around, so that he's facing a purple Cheep-Cheep, who's trapped between several Hurt Plants.

Hurt Plants: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MESSIN' WITH, YOU GOT NO IDE—

Luigi nonchalantly walks through, squishing all of them without a second thought.

Luigi: Hey, want to help me rescue those Yoshi Kids, umm…

Cheep-Cheep: Sushie.

Luigi: Yeah, Sushie.

Sushie: Um… OKAY!

Watt starts to get sucked in Luigi's pocket.

Watt: NOOOOOO!!!

She resists for awhile, but the inevitable eventually happens…

Goombario: Oh! Hey, there, newbie! We're playing Rummy! Wanna join us?

Watt: … *sigh*

Luigi: Anyway, let's go!

Luigi hops onto Sushie, who then hops into the water.

Luigi: Come, Yoshi Kids, jump into my warm embrace!

Yoshi Kid: … That sounds gay.

Luigi: $%& it, just jump into my hands!

Yoshi Kid #2: Whatever.

They jump into his, um… "warm embrace" as Sushie swims back to the shore.

Yoshi Chief: Wow! That was quick!

Luigi: inorite

Yoshi Chief: Well, as thanks for saving the children, I'm going to give you this rock thingy!

The Yoshi Chief gives a blue stone shaped like a raven to Luigi.

Luigi: What does this do?

Yoshi Chief: If you put it in a pedestal, it'll summon a giant, peeved off Raven to do your bidding.

Luigi: … Cool!

Luigi dashes over to the pedestal and slams the stone in it.

Raphael (a giant raven, if you don't already know): CAW!!! WHO DARES AWAKEN ME FROM MY SLUMBER?!

Luigi: Me.

Raphael: … Fair enough.

Raphael hops down from the tree.

Raphael: Alright, what do ya' want?

Luigi: My friends and I want to get to Mt. Lavalava.

Raphael: Oh, okay then.

Raphael grabs Luigi & Co. with one of his feet and lobs them up there.

Luigi: … OW.

Kolorado: I'm having a hard time not screaming British profanities right now…

They all get up, dusting themselves off… except for Sushie.

Luigi: Is everyone accounted for? … Wait a minute, where's Sushie?!

Pennington: Hey, is that a big fish stick over there?

Luigi: Er… hey Watt, it's time to come back out!

Watt: YAY!

She flies back out of his pocket.

Goombario: … WHAT THE HECK, MAN?!

Kooper: Well, this sucks AND blows!

Bow: Hey guys, we ran out of Cheerios!

Goombario and Kooper: …

Energizer Bunny: This is a dark and evil place…

Bombette: Are you sure you don't have a flashlight?

Energizer Bunny: YES!

Kolorado: Anyway, we shall venture into the volcano! … Are you going to be joining us, Pennington?

Pennington is sitting down in front of Sushie (the "fish stick").

Pennington: No, no, I'm good…

Kolorado: Alright… we shall venture forth, in search of the artifact!

Luigi, Watt, and Kolorado enter the volcano.

Kolorado: Good lord, it's HOT in here…

Kolorado starts fanning himself with his fedora.

???: GEEZ, YA' REALLY THINK SO?

Kolorado: Yeah, I'm about to burn up!

???: AW, THAT'S TOO BAD…

Kolorado starts to feel drool on his head.

Kolorado: Um…

He looks up, seeing a giant, flaming piranha plant.

Kolorado: YIKES!!!

???: THE NAME'S LAVA PIRANHA, CHUMP! YOU'RE ALL KINDA SMALL… BUT I GUESS YOU'LL MAKE TASTY SNACKS!

Kolorado: Luigi, my good boy, DO SOMETHING!

Luigi: Er… does anyone have a FLUDD?

Kolorado: What on Earth—er… Plit is a FLUDD?!

Luigi: Oh well, it was worth a try…

Lava Piranha: WHAT'CHA GOONA DO NOW, PLUMBAH?!

Luigi: Um… SUPER MEGA ULTRA RANDOM PLOT DEVICE DEATH DOOGITY THING… BLAH!!!

Lava Piranha explodes in a flash of light-green fire.

Kolorado: Um… wow. Did the author just get lazy, or what?

Luigi: Yeah, he did. And he's admitting it too.

A card descends out of the sky and Luigi grabs it, giving a thumbs-up to no one in particular.

_END OF CHAPTER_

_Wow, he's already over halfway there, only three more to go! … Wait, this chapter isn't quite over, is it?_

Kolorado: … Huh? We're still here?

Misstar: It seems that way…

Luigi: Indeed…

Watt: But what else could possibly happen? We've already got the Star Spirit!

The volcano starts to rumble.

Watt: … I shouldn't have said that, should I?

The volcano shakes even harder.

Misstar: Um… well, look at the time! Good luck!

She flies away.

Luigi: Thanks for stickin' with us…

The volcano erupts, making them all fly out conveniently where Pennington is.

Kolorado: Ugh… hey, Pennington.

Pennington walks closer to them, revealing that he has a fat belly.

Pennington: Er… hey, guys, what's up?

Luigi looks up at him and shudders for a little bit.

Luigi: Gah… nothing, nothing! Let's just get outta here!

Kolorado: WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE ISLAND…

Luigi grabs Kolorado and Pennington, jumping from the ledge and back to the island.

Kolorado: Well… this isn't this just a dirty, rotten pickle?! Even if there WAS any artifacts in there, they'd be destroyed!

Pennington: Well, I deduce that I'll be going back home after this is over…

They all walk back into the village.

Yoshi Chief: Oh, you're all back, huh? ... Where's Sushie?

Luigi: She's, um... unavailable at the moment.

Yoshi Chief: Oh, okay! Anyway, something shiny just landed here, I figured the strange British guy might like it.

Kolorado stares at it in awe.

Kolorado: I-it's... AN ARTIFACT!

Kolorado takes the artifact from the chief's hands.

Kolorado: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

Kolorado hugs him.

Yoshi Chief: This is very uncomfortable...

Pennington: Ew...

Kolorado: Well, anyway, I guess we'll be going now!

They all go to the whale and hop on his back.

Luigi: Alright, it's time to go back home!

Whale: Okie-dokie!

The whale swims away from the island... while someone else just now climbed onto the island.

Jr. Troopa: Huff... puff... it took HOURS to swim here...

He looks back at the whale, which, of course, has Luigi sitting on him.

Jr. Troopa: ... MOTHER--

Meanwhile...

Shy Guy: SIR!!!

Captain Guy: What is it?! Can't you see that I'm playing checkers?!

Shy Guy looks at him. Captain Guy is sitting in front of a table. There's a checkerboard on the table, with a Parrot sitting on the other side.

Captain Guy: It's been 45 minutes and he hasn't moved any of his pieces, he must have a really good strategy... anyway, what were you saying?

Shy Guy: Um... yeah, anyway, there's a whale swimming this way!

Captain Guy: ... So?

Shy Guy: Luigi's riding on it!

Captain Guy: Ohhhhh... this'll be interesting! SHY GUYS, SET UP THE CANNONS!!!

The Shy Guys scramble around, regularly tripping while trying to run to the cannons.

Captain Guy: ... and you...

Shy Guy: M-me, sir?

Captain Guy: Go call our new troops...

Luigi: ... Hey, is that a ship over there?

Watt: Those look like cannons...

Whale: Um... would any of you prefer to go to another destination?

Captain Guy: FIRE!!!

The Shy Guys fire Bullet Bills at the whale, which narrowly misses the whale.

Kolorado: BLOODY MARY!!!

Pennington: ... I think I wet myself.

Captain Guy: How are you all missing?! The whale's barely even moving!

The Shy Guys stare nervously at him.

Captain Guy: Ugh... FIRE THE BONZAI BILLS!

The Shy Guys get out the bigger cannons and load the Banzai Bills, firing them towards the whale.

Luigi: Uh-oh, that doesn't look good...

Whale: Um... smell you guys later!

The whale starts to submerge himself underwater.

Watt: Geez, YOU'RE a big help!

Kolorado: Luigi, be a good man, and SAVE US!

Luigi grabs Kolorado and Pennington, jumps off the whale, and bounces off the Banzai Bill, and onto the ship (Watt just floats up there).

Captain Guy: Hello, my old friends! ... and two other guys.

Luigi: So... I see that you're going with a pirate theme right now?

Captain Guy: Yeah, it's a phase I'm going through.

Luigi: I see...

Captain Guy: Now then... MEET MY NEW TROOPS! Infact, you may have already been acquainted with them...

Dark figures come out, shrouded in shadow.

???: We protect the world from devestation...

???: Unite the world within our nation...

???: Find out about the power of love...

???: ... AND EAT PIZZA!!!

All: We are...

They step out of the shadows, dramatically revealing themselves.

All: THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TUR--er... THE KOOPA BROS.!

Red Koopa: Missed us?

Luigi: Er... not particularly.

Yellow Koopa: B-but... we did that dramatic entrance just for you!

Luigi: Look, can I kick your butts and just get his over with?

Black Koopa: I don't think it'll be quite that easy, pal!

Black Koopa ties Mario to the flag pole and pulls him all the way to the top.

Black Koopa: Until we say otherwise, your brother will be our flag!

Yellow Koopa: ... and after that, he'll be our doormat.

Luigi: Gah, MARIO!

Mario: LUIGI, HELP!

Luigi: Grrr... let him go, you creeps!

Red Koopa: Ha! No way, dude!

Green Koopa: We aren't called the "Villans in a Half-Shell" for nothin'!

Watt: Yeah... the author that it was a clever TMNT parody.

Green Koopa: Shaddup.

Luigi, Watt, and the Koopa Bros. all take a fighting stance.

Luigi: One of you guys rescue Mario! The rest of us… FIGHT TO THE DEATH! … or until someone gets tired. Whatever comes first.

Pennington: Um… hey, Marty-o! I'm comin'!

Pennington quickly waddles over to the flag pole and starts to climb up towards Mario.

Kolorado: B-but… I can't fight!

The Black Koopa starts to charge towards Kolorado.

Kolorado: YIKES!

Kolorado runs away from the Black Koopa, who's chasing him around in circles. The Red Koopa and Green Koopa then charge towards Luigi and Watt, respectively.

Yellow Koopa: … HEY! I don't have anything to do!

He looks at Pennington, who's climbing up the pole.

Yellow Koopa: Hm…

Luigi jumps over Red Koopa as he ducks into his shell and speeds toward him. Watt then leads the Green Koopa (who's also in his shell) around in a circle, making him collide with the Red Koopa.

The Yellow Koopa grabs Captain Guy's parrot and puts him in a small slingshot, launching it at Pennington with perfect precision.

Pennington: OW! OW! Stop pecking me, ya' stupid parrot! I AM THE WORLD FAMOUS PENNINGTON!

Luigi spots the parrot pecking Pennington.

Luigi: I must aim with perfect precision…

As Kolorado runs past, Luigi whacks him with his hammer, making him collide with the parrot.

Both Kolorado and the parrot fall back down. [Somewhat] Thankfully, Pennington is safe.

Pennington: Whew…

Pennington takes out a pocket knife, cutting the rope that restrained Mario. He jumps down and immediately smashes the Black Koopa's shell with his hammer, making the shell break into pieces.

Mario: THAT'S FOR PULLING ME UP THAT POLE, YOU JERK!

Captain Guy: YIKES! Mario is lose! Shy Guys, mobilize! The Koopa Bros. need back-up!

Captain Guy takes out his sword and jumps in front of Luigi.

Captain Guy: You've been a thorn in my side for 2 chapters! Well, no more! We shall fight… ONE-ON-ONE!

Luigi: But… I don't even have a swo—

Captain Guy: ATTACK!

Luigi quickly gets out his hammer, blocking Captain Guy's sword.

Mario hops over the Red Koopa and slams Watt down into him, shocking the Koopa until Mario takes him off. As the Green Koopa charges towards Kolorado, he simply grabs the Green Koopa's hand and tosses him overboard.

Kolorado: I'm getting really tired of this rubbish…

The Yellow Koopa hops in front of Pennington.

Yellow Koopa: Looks like it's just you and me, fraidy-cat!

Pennington: Urk…

Pennington looks up at the sun.

Pennington: … AH-HA!

Pennington takes out his monocle and positions it to where the sunlight shines directly into one of the Yellow Koopa's eyes.

Yellow Koopa: AUUUUUGHHH!!! MY EYE!

He falls onto the ground, writhing in pain.

Pennington: I deduce that you've just been PUNK'D!

Luigi jumps and flips around, still having an intense battle with Captain Guy.

Captain Guy: Ready to give up yet?  
Luigi: Why would I give up now?

Captain Guy points to the Shy Guys, who have all unsheathed their swords and surrounds Luigi's friends.

Captain Guy: … That's why. Heh heh…

Luigi: Oh, great… NOW what do I do?!

Whale: Jump out of the way!

Luigi: … Huh?

Whale: FIRE!

The Whale spits out a Banzai Bill at a high velocity, which pierces through the center of the ship, causing it to sink.

Captain Guy: Oh my…

Luigi: Quick, guys! Onto the whale!

Luigi & Co. hop onto the whale as it quickly swims away.

Shy Guy: Sir, what do we do?!

Captain Guy: We must go down with our ship…

Shy Guy: … You're kidding, right?

Captain Guy: I didn't bring any lifeboats.

Shy Guy: Oh.

_**REAL**__ END OF CHAPTER_

_That was certainly, erm… unexpected, wasn't it?_

_Luigi now has only a very small portion of his journey remaining._

_With his many friends assisting him along, the way, this is going to be a cakewalk! … But who really cares about THAT? Let's see what Peach 'N Twink are up to!_

The Albatross spits out Twink, who conveniently crashes through one of Peach's windows.

Twink: Ow…

Peach: Oh, hey, Twink! I'm bored, wanna sneak out of the room again?

Twink: Whatever gives you your jollies.

Peach and Twink do the usual stuff. They then wander throughout the main hallway and walk into a random room.

Koopatrol: … PEACH?!

Hammer Bro: And some little star thing?

Twink: Yikes… BUSTED.

Peach: Are you going to take me back to my room now?  
Koopatrol: Sure… and we won't tell Bowser any of this, if you play a little trivia game of ours!

Peach: Okay, shoot!

Hammer Bro: What is the theory of relativity?

Peach: Energy equals mass times the speed of light, squared.

Everyone stares at Peach awkwardly.

Koopatrol: Um… yes, that's correct!

Hammer Bro: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck would?

Peach: Um… a lot?

Koopatrol: … Good enough.

Hammer Bro: Alright, here's our final question! What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?

Peach: Uhhh…

Twink: My god, Princess, the answer is so obvious! IT'S FOURTY-TWO!

Koopatrol: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE OUR WINNERS!

Hammer Bro: Your prize is this Sneaky Parasol!

He gives the Parasol to Peach.

Koopatrol: What it does is—

Bowser suddenly barges in.

Bowser: WHAT THE—

He marches over to Peach, not even noticing Twink.

Bowser: What are YOU doing here?! Surely you didn't tell Peach that there's a Star Spirit in Flower Fields?!

Hammer Bro: Actually, we didn't.

Bowser: Oh… crap.

Bowser forces Peach into her room and slams her door shut.

Bowser: … I wonder where General Guy is, anyway? He should be back by now with a report…

Meanwhile, in the Vast Ocean…

Captain Guy and the Shy Guy are sitting on a large plank (blown off of the ship) that's floating on the ocean.

Captain Guy: I can't believe, it… It's going to take an eternity to get back to the shore! We've been separated from almost EVERYONE!

Shy Guy: Well… at least we still have each other!

Captain Guy: Oh, shut up.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Somewhere That's Green

Luigi hops off of the whale, with Watt, Kolorado, and Mario following him.

Kolorado: Hey Pennington, aren't you coming?

Pennington: Nah, I'll be hitching a ride back home! Giddy-up, whale!

The whale leaps into the air.

Pennington: Let's hope that this next leap will be the leap home...

Watt: ... Will anyone even get that joke?

Luigi: Does it even matter by now?

Kolorado walks over to Luigi.

Kolorado: Well, it's been a good run, old lad! I hope that our paths will cross again someday!

Kolorado and Luigi shake hands. A few seconds later, Kolorado walks away, back towards Koopa Village.

Mario: Well... for now, I'll have to say goodbye too, little bro!

Luigi: Why?

Mario: I'm going to try and snoop around in Bowser's Castle again, you'll never know what I might find!

Luigi: Well... okay. I'll see ya' later, bro!

They both wave at each other as Mario runs away.

Luigi: Well, I guess it's just the two of us agai--.

Jr. Troopa: THINK AGAIN, JERK!

Jr. Troopa hops out of the water.

Luigi: Eh?

Luigi and Watt turn around.

Luigi: Oh, it's YOU again...

Jr. Troopa: You sound like you're not surprised to see me!

Luigi: Honestly, I'm not. This is the third time I've seen you.

Jr. Troopa: Oh, well... um...

Jr. Troopa grows the spike back on his head, as well as wings, which lets him fly off of the ground.

Jr. Troopa: How 'bout 'dem apples? What'cha gonna do now, punks?

Watt zaps Jr. Troopa, making 10,000 volts of electricity course through his body. Needless to say, he fell on the ground, unconscious.

Luigi: Um... yeah, I guess we should get to finding Twink now.

Watt: I want ice cream...

Twink flies down.

Luigi: Scratch that.

Twink: LUIGI! LUIGI!

Luigi: Twink, I'm right behind you!

Twink: Oh.

Twink turns around.

Twink: LUIGI! LUIGI!

Luigi: Ugh... What is it?

Twink: There's another Star Spirit, in some sort of garden... you should be able to get to the garden from Toad Town.

Luigi: Great! Do you know where it is?

Twink: It's, er... inside a tree.

Luigi: ... What?

Watt: You on the pipe?

Twink: No, I'm serious! The portal to the garden is inside of a talking tree!

Watt: ... How do they THINK of these things?

Luigi: Japanese people are freakin' weird.

Luigi and Watt wander around until they find a woman, planting flowers in the garden.

Luigi: Hello, there...

Minh T.: Hi.

Watt: Is there a strange anthropomorphic tree here?

Minh T.: Yup! It rises out of the ground every few years, to feast on the blood of the innocent!

Watt: That sounds bad! ... He won't come out until a few years?

Minh T.: Well... unless you give him a sacrifice!

Luigi: Hm...

5 minutes later...

Luigi comes back, dragging a body-bag.

Minh T.: Who did ja' get?

Luigi: I'll give you a hint; he's the mascot of Microsoft's Xbox...

Woman Toad: Huh?

Luigi: He wears a green suit...

Watt: BLINX THE TIME SWEEPER?

Luigi: ... Yeah, sure.

Luigi slams the body-bag down on the soil. The soil suddenly gives off an intense glow as the tree rises out and eats the bag whole.

Tree: Thank you for your sacrifice, mortal! ... It had a weird, iron-like taste, though... Oh well! What shall I do for you?

Luigi: Can I go into your garden?

Tree: Yeah, sure!

The door at the bottom of the tree opens, as Luigi and Watt then go inside.

Watt: There's pollution and devastation everywhere! Wicked machines are being... wicked!

Luigi: There's only one person responsible for this...

Sonic: ROBOTNIK!

Luigi turns around and stares at him.

Luigi: Um... no, it's Bowser.

Sonic: Oh... are ya' sure?

Watt: I'm pretty sure that this story is on a Mario website.

Sonic: Oh... um... SEE YA'!

Sonic runs away.

Luigi: That was weird.

Watt: How did he even get here, anyway?

They walk towards one of the machines.

?: No! NO! Stop it! Stop it!

Watt: Who's doing a bad Peter Griffin impersonation?

?: That would be ME...

The source of the voice flies down, revealing that he's a Lakitu... that you should look up on Google.

?: ... SPIKE!

Luigi: Wow, what a generic name.

Spike (the Yoshi) jumps up from out of nowhere, stomps on Luigi with his spiked cleets, and runs away.

Luigi: Nevermind...

Spike (the Lakitu) bursts out laughing.

Spike: R-randomness! It's my one weakness!

Luigi: Randomness, huh?

Watt: But we're both too logical to be random!

Luigi: Well... if our experiences in these few chapters have taught us anything, the randomness will come to US!

Nothing happens.

Luigi: Um... it usually does.

A tumbleweed passes by.

Luigi: Oh, you jer--

Spike throws a Spiky, which bounces off Luigi's head.

Luigi: OW!

As Spike throws another one, Luigi whacks it back with his hammer... only for Spike to thwack it away with one of his hands.

Spike: HA HA HA! Without the power of randomness, you shall never prevail!

Watt: I'm gettin' tired of this...

Watt zaps Spike... only for the cloud to absorb the electricity and zap Luigi.

Luigi: I HATE YOU!

An anvil falls from the sky, landing on Luigi's head.

Luigi: Mama mia...

Spike bursts out laughing.

Spike: OH MY GAWD! Slapstick! I-I can't stop laughing!

Luigi jumps up, kicking Spike off of his cloud.

Spike: Urgh... looks like ya' beat me fair 'n square, dude.

Watt: You mean you're just gonna let us go?

Spike: Who WOULDN'T?

Watt: Good point.

?: Lakliester!

Luigi: Who's Lakliester?

Spike: Er...

A female Lakitu (Lakilulu) flies over, floating infront of them; Spike hops on his cloud.

Lakilulu: Stop doing this, Lakilester...

Spike: I told you! Th' name's Spike!

Lakilulu: Stop pulling this charade...

Lakilester sighs and gets out hair gel, changing his Mohawk into a pompadour.

Lakilester: Well, what am I SUPPOSED to do? I'll be fired! It's hard enough to get coins with this bad economy!

Luigi: That's a load of crap! I get coins just by bashing blocks with my head!

Lakilester: Any after-effects?

Luigi: I forgot Algebra.

Lakilester: Oh... that's it?

Lakilulu: See? You should get away from that awful job of yours!

Lakilester: QUIT BUSTING MY *Melons* YOU *Meanie*! In fact, I'm going with Luigi just to get away from you!

Lakilulu: Hmph... FINE!

Lakilulu flies away.

Watt: Sheesh, talk about relationship issues...

Luigi: Um... Watt?

Watt: Yeah?

Luigi: I think it's time to go back into the pocket...

Watt: NO! It's dark in there! DARK!

Luigi: But isn't your special ability used to light up places?

Watt: ... Okay, you got me there. But, um... well, I have a cold, so--

Goombario: GET IN HERE!

Watt: Okay, okay! Sheesh...

Watt flies into Luigi's pocket.

Lakilester: *sitting at Lucy's psychiatrist booth* So, how long have you two been together?

Luigi: 3 chapters.

Lakilester: I see, I see...

Lakilester is scribbling on a notepad.

Lakilester Luigi: Um... what are you writing down, anyway?

Lakilester: Notes, of course! What else would I write in a notepad?

Luigi: ... Gimme that.

Luigi grabs the notepad and looks at it.

Luigi: ... Seriously?

Luigi shows him the notepad, which just has squiggly lines on it.

Lakilester: It's my handwriting!

Luigi: It's horrible.

Lakilester: I'm a turtle, what do you expect?

Luigi: Something better.

Lakilester: Gah... never mind.

Luigi: Should we be getting to one of those machines now?

Lakilester: Yeah, we can't stall for TOO long...

They go to the top of one of the smog machines, where someone is sitting on a chair, controlling it. The person turns around in his chair...

?: I AM DR. RRRRRRROBOTNIK! And I shall pollute this world with my beautiful, beautiful smog! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Luigi and Lakilester stare blankly at him.

Luigi: ... Okay, Sonic being here actually makes since now.

Dr. Robotnik: SCRATCH! GROUNDER! Attack these RRRRRRRRRRRAVENOUS, um... RIGHT-DOERS!

Scratch: Yes, sir, Dr. Robotnik! HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!

Grounder: Whatever you say, your lardness!

Luigi jumps into the air as they charge towards him, making them crash into each other.

Luigi: Alright, lardo, turn the machine off.

Dr. Robotnik: No!

Luigi: C'mon...

Robotnik jumps up and down, in a fit.

Dr. Robotnik: I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA!

Luigi: If you say so!

Luigi kicks him off of the machine (it's a long way down...) and turns it off.

Luigi: Well, that got rid of MOST of the smog...

Lakilester: There's only one other machine in this world!

Luigi: Yeah? Where is it?

Lakilester: Up in the clouds... guarded by Huff N. Puff.

Luigi: What kind of name is "Huff N. Puff"?

Lakilester: He has very mean parents.

Luigi: Er... I see. So, how do we get up there?

Lakilester: Well... first, we have to make a beanstalk grow, but in order to do that, we have to find berries and give them to flower spirit thingies, so that they restore order to the land, and suddenly makes the beanstalk grow, for no apparent reason.

Luigi: Why do all of that, when you can just fly me up there?

Lakilester: Well, if you expected a logical answer, then why did you ask?

Luigi: ... Point taken. Anyhow, where do we find this maze?

Lakilester: Um... SKIP!

Luigi and Lakilester suddenly appear a short distance away from the maze.

Luigi: How does that always work?

They walk into the labyrinthine area.

Lakilester: It's creepy in here...

Luigi: Oh, come on, don't be such a wu--

Someone hops around the corner of one of the walls.

?: HERE'S JOHNNY!

Luigi: OH MY GOD, IT'S JACK NICHOLSON!

Luigi squeals like a little girl and runs away.

Lakilester: Um... what the he--

Jack: I WANNA PLAY THE JOKER!

Jack swings his axe.

Lakilester: YIKES!

Lakilester jumps over it, and back onto his cloud, flying up higher.

Lakilester: WHAT'S GOING ON?

Luigi: The author is parodying The Shining!

Lakilester: But isn't that an R-Rated movie?

Luigi: Has that stopped him so far?

Lakilester: ... Point taken.

The run through the maze as Jack Nicholson pursues them, wildly swinging his axe around.

Lakilester: Um... this is for a childrens' site, right? How much violence can there be?

Luigi: I think Lemmy allows gore.

Lakilester: Oh CRAP! RUN! RUN! RUN!

Luigi runs faster as Lakilester latches onto him with a fishing pole and tosses him up on his cloud. Luigi picks up a Spiky and tosses it at Jack's head, knocking him out instantly. Luigi stares at Lakilester.

Lakilester: Um...

Luigi: Why didn't YOU ever do that?

Lakilester: I didn't think that it would work!

Luigi: Don't question logic... this is a Mario story, after all.

Luigi hops off of the cloud and picks up the axe.

Luigi: Well, this'll be useful!

He uses the axe to hack through the maze and puts it in one of his pockets.

Flower: Why, hello there!

Luigi: Um... hello?

Luigi stares blankly at the Flower.

Luigi: ... You aren't going to turn into another pop-culture reference, are you?

Flower: Well, I WAS going to, but you kind of spoiled the moment.

Luigi: I see...

Flower: Well, anyway, do you have a gem?

Luigi: SON OF A--

Lakilester covers Luigi's mouth as he struggles to break free.

Lakilester: We'll get right on it, ma'am!

They go back through the maze and walks through the garden.

Luigi: Where in the holy mother of heck are we supposed to find a gem?

Lakilester: Maybe there's one in that cave over there?

They walk into the cave, where there's an Old Man sitting on an orange rug. There are several objects laid in front of him.

Old Man: Hello, young travelers. Do you want the Sword and Shield, the Potion, or this Treasure Chest? Choose wisely...

Luigi: ... Can I have the shield?

Old Man: Wait... just the shield?

Luigi: Yeah.

The old man hands Luigi.

Old Man: Well, okay, if you say s--

Luigi whacks the old man in the head with the shield, which instantly knocks him out. He then rolls up everything in the rug (except for the man) and stuffs it in one of his pockets.

Luigi: I never liked choosing things...

Luigi and Lakilester exit the cave... right as Link starts to walk in.

Navi: Hey, Link! Listen! There should be some useful things in this ca--OH MY GOD!

Link: ...

Navi: Wow... um... This is awkward... well, while he's down, let's take all of his rupees!

Link gives her a thumbs-up and runs over to the old man.

Back to our Heroes...

Luigi: Okay, we gave you the gem. So, what do we get in return?

Flower: Well...

The flower puts a bowtie on and pulls down the curtain, revealing three yellow doors.

Flower: Behind Door #1, we have a Bubble Stone!

Lakilester: Bubbles? That sounds lame...

Luigi: I agree wholeheartedly... which means we'll probably need it.

Flower: But don't you want to know what's behind the other doors?

Luigi: Well... oh, what the hey!

Flower: Well, behind door #2, we've got A BRAND NEW CAR!

Lakilester: What kind of car?

Flower: The Delorean!

Luigi and Lakilester both squeal with glee.

Flower: And last, but certainly not least, behind door #3 is... THE MYSTERY BOX!

Lakilester: We'll take door number tw--

Luigi: Wait a minute! A car's a car, but the mystery box could be ANYTHING! ... It could even be a car!

Seth MacFarlane: *reading story* ... Alright, that's the last straw! LAWYERS!

Lawyers: We're working on it, sir!

Lakilester: Great idea picking out the Mystery Box, Luigi... a 25% coupon to Old Navy!

Luigi: Heh heh...

Lakilester: Unbelieveable...

Luigi: DON'T JUDGE ME!

Lakilester: How are we supposed to get up to the clouds now?

Luigi looks at Lakilester again, who's still hovering above the ground with his cloud.

Luigi: ...

Lakilester: Um... why are you looking at me like that?

5 minutes later...

Lakilester is tied and gagged to the bottom of the cloud as Luigi sits on top of it, flying all the way to the clouds in the sky.

Luigi: Well, it looks like we've reached our destination!

Luigi ties the cloud to a peg sticking out of the grou--err... clouds and walks around.

Luigi: Hm... where could this machine be?

He looks up at a sign saying "THIS MACHINE --"

Luigi: Oh.

He walks over to the machine and is about to turn it off... until Huff N. Puff suddenly rises out of the clouds.

Huff N. Puff: HEY! What are ya' doin'?

Luigi: Trying to turn off that machine.

Huff N. Puff: And you think that I'm just going to let you turn it off, all willy-nilly?

Luigi: Hopefully.

Huff N. Puff: Well, I WON'T!

Luigi: Oh. Well, that's disappointing.

Huff N. Puff: Indeed...

Huff N. flies up to the machine and sucks up the smog, which makes him bigger.

Luigi: ... Oh fudge.

Lakilester: Okay, I untied that ro--

He looks up at Huff N. Puff.

Lakliester: HOLY SHINOLE!

Huff N. Puff: YOU CAN GO AND TELL AL GORE TO "SUCK IT"!

Lakliester: Um... you mean eggs, right?

Huff N. Puff: ... Yeah, sure.

Huff N. zaps lightning out of his finger-tips, which Luigi jumps over. He then splits apart slightly, causing lots of small Huff N. Puffs to form. They franticly zig-zag around the area, their bodies charged with electricity.

Lakilester: TAKE THIS, YOU... you... um... little... Screw it.

Lakilester lobs a Spiky egg at Huff N., which he swats away, making it go through the clouds...

Somewhere in the Garden...

General Guy: Being evil isn't worth it... I'm glad I took up gardening instead!

He pats the soil with a shovel.

General Guy: Oh! My first flower has finally grown!

As he looks at the flower, a spiky egg lands on it, destroying it.

General Guy: ... GRAUUUUUUUUUGH! Where's my musket? I NEED TO SHOOT SOMETHING!

Shy Guy brings him his musket.

General Guy: Thank you, loyal companion!

He aims the gun at Shy Guy and shoots him in the face.

General Guy: Ahh... I feel MUCH better!

Shy Guy: *coughs* Me too, sir...

Back in the Clouds...

Luigi: Whew... I'm so tired...

Lakilester: Luigi... *huff* I don't think this guy can be beaten... *puff* oh, good lord, I need to exercise more... *huffpuff*

Luigi: Wait a minute... I have an idea! Try and stall him, Lakilester!

Lakilester: St-stall...?

Luigi runs off, leaving Lakilester to confront Huff'N Puff'N by himself.

Lakilester: Sooo... how are things?

Huff N. Puff: Not so good. My wife and I divorced, and she took all of the kids. So I decided to become an industrialist, as well as accelerate global warming, which will melt the world, by using lots of smog.

Lakilester: Um... I don't think that you can melt the world with global warming.

Huff N. Puff: Oh... really?

Lakliester: Yeah.

Huff N. Puff: Huh... well, I'm still going to kill you two, nothing personal. You understand, right?

Lakilester: Um... not real-

Luigi suddenly emerges from the clouds.

Luigi: I'M BAAAAAAACK! ... And I have my secret weapon!

Lakilester & Huff N. Puff: Secret weapon?

Luigi places an object on the clouds and pulls off the curtain, revealing it to be...

Huff N. Puff: RANDY NEWMAN?

Randy: We up in da' clouds, doin' lotsa stuff, wit a weird lil' cloud, who is oh, so buff! Wit a weird thin green thing, I sayyyyy...

Huff N. Puff: GAHHHHHHHHH!

Randy: ... Da' big ol' cloud start runnin' away-hayyyyyyyy! ... and he dwopped a star-thing too.

Luigi picks up the Star Spirit that Huff'N dropped.

Luigi: Thank you, Randy Newman!

Randy: Yo welcome, stwange wittle green man.

Lakilester: ... The only good music that you've done is in The Princess and the Frog.

Randy: Bite me.

**END OF CHAPTER**

_Well, this was certainly the random-est chapter ever! But, em… yeah! Luigi has gotten 6/7 Star Spirits! Looks like the end of his adventure is almost near… oh, you think we're going to Peach and Twink? WRONG! First, we'll be observing some characters who don't quite like the way this story is going…_

Somewhere, in Bowser's Castle…

General Guy: GREETINGS, MY FELLOW BOSSES!

Golden Fuzzy: AHEM…

General Guy: … and Mini-Bosses.

Lantern Ghost: *cries* The author forgot to write me in the story!

General Guy: Anyhow, we can not be repressed for so long! WE CAN'T HAVE THIS THIN LITTLE TWERP MAKE US LOOK LIKE FOOLS!

Tubba Blubba: Why should we be listening to YOU, anyway? You were defeated TWICE.

General Guy: THE 2ND TIME WAS BY A WHALE! … And with your heart inside you, you're virtually useless.

Tubba Blubba: Screw you!

Huff N. Puff: Well, atleast he's not as useless as Tutankoopa.

Tutankoopa: HEY! I atleast managed to capture his friends!

Red Koopa: … Who Luigi rescued in about 5 minutes.

Shy Guy: GUYS, STOP ARGUING! Bickering isn't going to help us defeat Luigi at all! Isn't that why you all came here in the first place?

General Guy: Generic Shy Guy is right… we should work together... but before we work together, though, WHERE ARE THOSE COCKTAILS I ASKED YOU FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO?

Shy Guy: I-I'll be right on it, sir!

Shy Guy runs away, frantically.

Shy Guy: COCKTAILS, GUYS, COCKTAILS!

The Shy Guys scramble around the kitchen.

General Guy: Anyhow, first order of business! … We need a cool group name! Something that strikes fear into peoples' hearts…

Lava Piranha: Um… shouldn't we be gittin' to that place befoh the plumbah does?

General Guy: NO, YOU FOOL! We can NOT go kill Luigi until we get an awesome name first! How about… THE **B**AD **G**UY **B**RIGADE! Yes! That shall be our name!

Everyone rolls their eyes.

Huff N. Puff: Yes… that will strike fear into peoples' hearts, alright…

General Guy: I know! Aren't I brilliant?

Shy Guy brings cocktails on a tray to General Guy.

Shy Guy: He-here's your cocktails, sir!

General Guy: Oh, goo—WHAT? ARE THOSE OLIVES? I HATE OLIVES!

He slides all of the glasses off of the tray, smashing them.

General Guy: MAKE THEM AGAIN!

Shy Guy: Sigh…

_In Peach's Room…_

Peach: Can you believe it?

Twink: I know, right? Nintendo's ALREADY making a new DS!

Peach: No, not that!

Twink: Oh. Then what is it?

Peach: With this magical umbrella of... magicness, we can go ANYWHERE in this castle!

Twink: No shitake, Sherlock. We've been crammed in this room for quite a while, and you've just NOW thought of it? Infact, why don't I just drop you out of this friggin' window? After all, YOU HAVE AN UMBRELLA!

Peach: ... Hey, Twink! With this magical umbrella, we can go ANYWHERE in this castle!

Twink: *sighs* Alright, let's go.

Peach: Hm... what should I turn into?

Peach looks around the room.

Peach: AHA!

Peach walks into the hallway, looking like a coat hanger.

Koopatrol: Greetings, Sgt. Coat Hanger!

Peach: Can I go outside?

Koopatrol: SIR, YES, SIR!

Koopatrol lets Peach outside, on the path heading towards the roof.

Twink: Wow, how dense ARE these people?

After walking for a little bit, they suddenly encounter Kammy.

Twink: (Oh, geez...)

Kammy: Oh, hello Bowser! My, you're looking trimmer today...

Twink: That's not Bowser, it's a coat hanger, you old hag!

Kammy: Eh?

Kammy fiddles around with her glasses.

Kammy: Oh, you must be the fabled Sgt. Coat Hanger I'm honored to meet you...

Peach: I like cheese!

Kammy: Ah, so did I!... Before it gave me bloody diarrhea, that is. Ah, good times... good times...

?: Hey, THAT'S NOT SERGEANT COATHANGER!

Kammy: Eh? Who said that?

A coat hanger suddenly comes up the steps.

Sgt. Coat Hanger: ... I DID!

Everyone gasps; Kammy points at Peach.

Kammy: You're... an imposter!

Kammy zaps Peach with her wand, turning her back to normal.

Kammy: NAOMI WATTS?

All: IT'S PEACH!

Kammy: Oh... well, take her to her room, I guess... I'm going to go take my 5000 pills before I go to sleep.

She yawns and walks off, as everyone else walks off, completely ignoring Twink.

Twink: Well... that was completely pointless.

Frankly: Aha! ANOTHER short chapter!

Frankly, no one will get this unless they read "Paper Mario: The Thousand-Minute Door".

Frankly: But--

Leave.

Frankly: Okay...


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Death or Consequences

Luigi: Wow, I can't believe that there's only one Star Spirit left to go! It's all gone by so quickly...

Lakilester: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Luigi: Oh, you know that you love exposition.

I don't even love exposition... and I'm writing it.

Luigi: Fair enou-

Lakilester: MAKE SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPEN!

Be patient, we need some normalcy! ... Well, as normal as this story can get, anyway.

Lakilester: Ugh...

Twink: HEY! HEYYYYYYYYYY! LUIGI!

Twink flies down.

Luigi: What is it, Twink?

Twink: Where's the nearest Wendy's?

Luigi does an anime fall and gets back up.

Luigi: I thought that you were going to tell me where the next Star Spirit is...

Twink: What do you mean?

Luigi: I've already gotten the 6th one.

Twink: ... *INSERT EXPLETIVES HERE*

Luigi: WHOA! I didn't even know some of those words existed!

Lakilester: I think he cursed in other languages too...

Luigi: So... I take it that you don't know?

Twink: NO! No one even mentioned it!

Luigi: What about you, Lakilester? Being Bowser's former minion and all...

Lakilester: He makes Green Koopas walk off of cliffs. You think he tells us anything USEFUL? He just guesses where you and Mario might be and puts us there!

Luigi: Er... that explains A LOT, actually.

Twink: Hm... looks like we'll have to go around town to find out!

They walk around and find some guy sitting at a booth.

Twink: HEY! You ominous-looking... whatever you are!

Hooded Figure: Eh?

Twink: Yeah, you! Do you know where the next Star Spirit is?

Hooded Figure: Of course I do... It's near Shiver City. To get there, you need to go to the extremely dangerous path at the edge of town! It's near the docks, you couldn't miss it!

Twink: Thanks!

Luigi: Um... Twink, are you sure that this guy is trustworthy?

Twink: Ah, should you worry about it? You'll do fine! Now, go to that path while I steal things from GameStop while no one's looking. LATAH!

Twink flies away as Luigi and Lakilester head towards the path. The Hooded Figure takes a lantern out from under his cloak and puts it onto the booth.

Lantern Ghost: Yes, Luigi, but will you do just fine NOW... against Kent C. Koopa?

Luigi and Lakliester make it to the path, where they find a huge, sleeping Koopa blocking their way.

Lakilester: Whoa... I'd like whatever steroids THAT guy is using!

Luigi: Hm... I don't think this guy should be any problem. I can probably just jump over him.

Luigi steps back and runs towards him.

Kent C. Koopa: ... Huh? What's that noise?

Kent C. looks at Luigi, who suddenly skids to a stop.

Luigi: Erm... hey, there!

Kent C. picks up Luigi.

Kent C. Koopa: Were ya'll the lil' squirt that was makin' all this here noise?

Luigi: Um... maybe?

Kent C. Koopa: Well, I can't be havin' all this here noise all up in mah business, ya'll! SOUTHERN RAGE!

Kent C. gets out a banjo right as Luigi squeezes out of his grasp. Luigi runs, as he dodges every attempt Kent C. makes to whack him.

Luigi: Lakilester! Can you play any instruments?

Lakilester: Once again, no useful skills…

Luigi: Oh, forget it!

Luigi stops in his tracks and tips Kent C. over, making him fall on his back.

Kent C. Koopa: Hey! That's no fair, ya' little varmint! GIT BACK OVAH HEYAH SO I CAN BANJO YOU TO DEATH!

Lakliester: … This is just sad.

Luigi: Yeah, let's just go…

They quickly walk along their designated path.

Lantern Ghost: Shoot! He may have gotten past Kent C's Southern Rage, but he'll never get into Crystal Palace…

In Shiver City…

Luigi: Hey, this would be a good place to chill at...

A giant hand comes out of nowhere, slaps him, and disappears.

Luigi: Alright, I get it!

They start to wander throughout the town until...

Pennington: Luigi? Why, I didn't expect YOU to be here!

Luigi: Oh, LORD…

Pennington: I got a new eye! ... Although something doesn't feel quite right.

He takes off his eyepatch, revealing a big, bulging eye. Luigi and Lakilester now have looks of disgust.

Lakilester: Um... I think that you should look in a mirror...

Pennington: HA! I scoff at your mirrors! For I am... THE GREAT PENNINGTON!

Penguin: Oh, you're back already?

A small Emperor Penguin walks over to them. He then stares at Pennington's eye, twitches a little, and vomits.

Pennington: OH! The mayor?

Mayor: As much as I really hate to say this... I need yo-oh is that the sidekick you were talking about?

Luigi: ... Sidekick?

Mayor: Yeah! You're Mario's brother aren't you?

Luigi: Yes...

Mayor: (Wow... I can't believe I'm talking to the famous Mario's Brother!) Follow me inside, boys!

They walk inside, where they see a corpse, with flies swarming around him.

Lakilester: Ew...

Luigi: So... what do you want us to do, get rid of these flies?

Mayor: Um... that would be good, but I don't think that'll be as easy as you would think...

Luigi: Why no-

A fly suddenly punches him in the jaw.

Luigi: OW!

Mayor: They're Fighter Flies.

Luigi: Ya' don't say...

Mayor: Anyhow, I want you three to try and figure out who murdered this man!

Pennington: A-a... MURDER MYSTERY? Oh, my... this is all so sudden! I-I'm at a loss for words!

Luigi whispers in Pennington's ear.

Luigi: You never actually solved a case, have you?

Pennington: Well... THAT SHALL NOT STOP ME! I am the sleuthiest sleuth of all sleuths! Just like ROBERT DOWNEY JUNIOR!

Pennington runs out of the house, dragging Luigi and Lakilester along with him.

Pennington: Okay, comrades, I deduce that we should split up first... and if that doesn't work, we shall just give up and rob the store filled with electric blankets.

Luigi: Fine by me.

Luigi and Lakilester go the other way.

Luigi: Alright, let's find some evidence and just get this over wi-

Jr. Troopa: Hey there, dollface!

Luigi: Um... are you sure that you couldn't think of a better introduction than that?

Jr. Troopa ignores him and takes out a crude-looking wand.

Luigi and Lakilester snicker.

Luigi: What are ya' gonna do? Throw that stick at us?

Jr. Troopa: Not exactly... BY THE POWER OF MONTY PYTHON, DESTROY THESE INSOLENT FOOLS!

A giant foot squashes Lakilester.

Luigi: Oh gawd... he's using the power of British humor!

Jr. Troopa: MWAHAHA! FEAR THE RANDOMNESS!

Luigi charges towards Jr. Troopa as he dodges more giant feet falling from the sky.

Luigi: It seems that there's danger afoot!

The hand appears again, this time in a gargantuan size. Taking advantage of this, Luigi turns it around, making it pound Jr. Troopa halfway into the ground.

Jr. Troopa: OW! Hey, that didn't get rid of me YET!

Jr. Troopa struggles intensely.

Jr. Troopa: … Or maybe you did… Can you wait here? This may take awhile…

Luigi: I'd rather not.

Luigi glances over at the giant foot that Lakilester is under.

Luigi: Um... is he dead?

Maybe...

Censor Fairy: WAIT!

What?

Censor Fairy: Two partners just died in a row!

So?

Censor Fairy: You can't do that! This is supposed to be rated K+!

... What do I care? I have bad guys die in this story all the time anyway.

Censor Fairy: Yes, but they all come back in-

Luigi smashes the Censor Fairy with his hammer, killing it.

Luigi: I'm not the most patient guy... $%&# it.

Luigi walks through the snowy terrain, looking for more clues... until he bumps into someone.

Luigi: YOWCH! ... PENNINGTON?

Pennington: Oh! Why, it looks like our fates have crossed one too many times! Well, that settles it! From now on, you shall be my colleague.

Luigi is awestruck.

Luigi: PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS ITALIAN, DON'T DO I-

{PENNINGTON BECAME YOUR PARTNER!}

Luigi: I hate you...

Pennington: Now that we are side-by-side, I suggest that we should search for the culprit... TOGETHER!

Luigi: Whoop-ee...

Pennington: Given the current climate that we're in, I shall use one of the greatest of all sleuthing equipment!

Pennington takes out a snow blower, puts it on Full-Blast, and laughs maniacally, making all of the snow fly off of the ground.

Pennington: Hm... nothing yet. I deduce that we should repeat the process for the next few miles...

Luigi: I'm kind of regretting getting the Star Spirit last chapter…

Luigi looks down and finds various footprints leading into the house that he was just in.

Luigi: This probably isn't going to matter at all, but I suppose there's no harm in investigating this anyway…

Luigi tracks the footprints into a different house, not too far away from where the body was…

Luigi: Wait a minute… there's a brown splotch on the ground…

?: That's tea…

Luigi turns around and his jaw drops down.

Luigi: GUYS, I THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO SEE THIS…  
Pennington and the Mayor rush into the house.

Pennington: My word! It's a felonious phantasm!

Ghost: No, I'm the guy you just killed, idiot.

Luigi: Wait… PENNINGTON is the murderer?

Ghost: He was having tea with me in my house, for no particular reason, when he just suddenly splashed a bunch of scorching hot tea all over my face. Naturally, it was quite painful, as I ended up dashing madly into the mayor's house, crashing into the wall. The force of the concussion fractured my skull, and, well… here we are.

Pennington: Well… that was quite the twist, if I do say so myself.

Luigi: Let me get this straight… he ran, screamed like a madman, and died in your house and none of you noticed?

Mayor: … We're not very observant.

Ghost: Obviously… though it gives me an idea for my new book, "An Inconvenient Death by Concussion"! WITH THIS I SHALL SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT…

Luigi: What does THAT have to do with saving the environment?

Ghost: … I DON'T KNOW…

Mayor: Well, regardless, I thank you for solving this mystery! Is there anything I can do to repay you?

Luigi: Yes, do you know where the Star Spirit is?

Mayor: Hm… no, but I've heard of them. Try asking Merle at Starborn Valley. It's on the mountain just past the village, you can't miss it!  
Luigi: Thanks.

Pennington: This seems like quite the interesting proposal! I shall accompany you on this venture!

Luigi: Sure, whatever. It's not like I have much of a choice by now.

Pennington: TALLY-HO! I deduce that this case shall be quite enjoyable!

Luigi: That's more than you can say for me…

Several Minutes of Mountain Trekking Later…

Pennington: We've made some excellent progress, my young ward! I deduce that we are almost at Starborn Valley!

Luigi: Thank god…

?: THOU SHALL NOT PASS…

Luigi: Huh?

A dark shadowy figure, with menacing red eyes suddenly materializes in front of the entrance.

?: Thine name is Monstar… Thou shall turn back… OR PERISH…

Luigi: … If you insist…

Pennington: No, Luigi! We must overcome this penumbras plague, if my name isn't ROBERT DUVALL, MASTER DETECTIVE!

Luigi: It's not.

Pennington: Really? … Huh… Well I guess now is the opportune moment to squeal like a little girl and hide behind that rock.

He does so.

Luigi: *sighs* Idiot…

Monstar: HA! Thou shall never be able to defeat-eth ME, **MORTAL!**

Luigi throws a fireball at it. After it finishes burning, it reveals a bunch of Star Kids, identical in appearance to Twink.

Star Kids: Erm… CURSES, FOILED AGAIN!

They dart into the village, maniacally laughing.

Luigi: … 'k.

They walk into the village.

Merle: Greetings, plumber! I had a feeling that you would come here eventually!

Luigi: Hey, you look just like Merlon, from Toad Town!

Merle: Well, I should! He's my father! Anyhow, you're looking for a Star Spirit, am I correct?  
Luigi: Yes!

Merle: Well, it's in the Crystal Palace, with the Star Spirit being guarded by its ruler, the Crystal King, one of Bowser's cronies…

Luigi: Typical… where is the Crystal Palace?

Merle: It's in a secret entrance in the mountain.

Luigi: How do I get there?

Merle snaps his fingers and a Ninji walks over to Luigi, carrying two items.

Ninji: Here's a bucket and a scarf, go nuts.

He drops them in front of Luigi and walks off.

Luigi: … You're kidding me.

Merle: Nope! Good luck!

Somewhere at the Mountain…

Lantern Ghost: So, you all remember the plan, right?

Golden Fuzzy: Um… does it involve stealing shiny things? I'm good at that…

Lantern Ghost: No, we're supposed to hide in the Snowmen and ambush Luigi when he tries to get into the palace!

Golden Fuzzy: … So, I steal his wallet?

Lantern Ghost: …

Shy Guy: Guys, Luigi's coming!

Luigi walks along, stopping to look at the snowmen.

Luigi: I wonder what these Snowmen are doing here?

Pennington: Perhaps our recent items…?

Luigi: Hm…

Luigi puts the bucket on top of one of the snowmen and wraps the scarf around the "neck" of another one, which somehow opens the entrance.

Luigi: Wow! I can't believe that actually worked!

Lantern Ghost: Neither do I…

Luigi: Wha—

A pair of arms emerges from one of the snowmen, forcefully grabbing Luigi's hands.

Luigi: OW! WHO ARE YOU?

Lantern Ghost: I AM KNOWN AS…

He shakes the snow off of himself.

Lantern Ghost: … LANTERN GHOST!

Luigi: … No seriously, who are you?

Lantern Ghost: I was SUPPOSED to be in Chapter 4, but the author forgot about me altogether!

Well, EXCUSE ME! I can't help it if you're not memorable!

Lantern Ghost: … That doesn't make me feel any better.

Wasn't trying to. ANYWAY…

Luigi: Why are you attacking me?

Lantern Ghost: I'm a member of the Bad Guy Brigade! A group of all of the minions you defeated, completely dedicated to destroying you and retaining the Star Spirits for our lord and master, Bowser!

Pennington: CEASE THIS LONGWINDED EXPOSITION! We MUST get to the Crystal Palace, posthaste!

Pennington randomly whips out his magnifying glass.

Golden Fuzzy: SHINY!

Golden Fuzzy leaps out of the snowman and tackles Pennington.

Pennington: ARGH! CEASE THIS TOMFOOLERY! YOU'RE SMUDGING THE MERCHANDISE!

Golden Fuzzy: MUST HAVE SHINYYY!

Luigi kicks Lantern Ghost, which makes him let go of Luigi's hands. Luigi then does a random black flip and makes a snowball, throwing it at the Lantern Ghost. The impact makes the lantern fall out of his cloak and leak open. As a result, the flames end up igniting the Lantern Ghost's cloak.

Lantern Ghost: YOWCH! HOT HOT HOT!

Golden Fuzzy: OOOOH! MORE SHINY!

Golden Fuzzy chases Lantern Ghost off into parts unknown.

Pennington: Well… that was quicker than deduced.

Luigi: Hey, I'm not complaining. Let's just go in, nab that Star Spirit, and get the heck out of here.

They run inside the palace as Shy Guy silently emerges from the snowman he was hiding in. He then gets out a walkie-talkie, whispering into it.

Shy Guy: General Guy, this is Shy Guy reporting, Lantern Ghost and Golden Fuzzy have failed. I'm requesting immediate back up. Send more members of the BGB…

In the Palace…

Luigi and Pennington stroll around the crystalline palace, generally filled with nothing but crystals and mirrors… both of which just so happen to be reflective… heck, are the mirrors made out of crystals? Well, regardless, the light that shines within gives off a beautiful rainbow sheen that glows throughout most of the palace.

Luigi: Wow… this place is astounding… it's hard to believe that one of Bowser's cronies live here…

They wander around the somewhat labyrinthine palace as General Guy spies on them from behind one of the many crystals.

General Guy: So, Luigi is near the final Star Spirit, huh?

Shy Guy: Y-yes, sir, just like I said…

General Guy: I didn't think the little runt would get this far!

Shy Guy: Um… I think "little" is a poor choice of words, sir…

General Guy blankly stares at the Shy Guy and smacks him in the back of the head.

General Guy: Don't make me get out George! … He's my beatin' stick.

Shy Guy rubs the back of his head.  
Shy Guy: S-sorry, sir…

Anti Guy: So, what do you want, boss-man, sir, man, leader, boss, master, sir, man… General? Do ya' want me to bring in the posse?

General Guy: Not yet, Anti Guy. Good things come to those who wait…

The pair stroll throughout the palace still, wandering throughout its many passageways.

Pennington: Luigi, my young accomplice… I deduce that we are at an impasse! We require some assistance!

Luigi: Well, yeah, but who's going to help us in THIS place? We're in enemy territory!

?: Greetings, greetings, mon amis! The Great Pennington and Luigi!

Luigi: Who are you?

?: It is I, the Great Merlee!

A strange, other-worldly woman appears, wearing a red dress, pink sunglasses, and large pink earrings. She also has yellow-orange locks of hair and pale, white skin.

Luigi: So, are you here to help us?

Merlee: Yes, yes, you are correct! You must go through the mirror in this room, it is false, I do expect!

Luigi and Pennington go through the large mirror on the wall.

Luigi: Wow, it WAS fake, just like you said! Thanks, Merlee!

Merlee: Yes, indeed, I'm glad to help you! But I'm afraid it's time to bid aideu…

Luigi: Why?

Merlee: I can't stay here too long, I must make haste! But do not worry, we will meet again someday… ste…

A white square materializes around Merlee, which makes her flip around and disappear. Luigi and Pennington then shrug and walk through the door on the other side, which leads to a large passageway… which, in turn, leads to a long, spiraling staircase.

?: Yo, slick!

A Duplighost (wearing a white sheet, instead of the usual purple) leaps in front of Luigi and Pennington.

Doopliss: Th' names Doopliss! Bowsah told me to not even let'cha's get to th' CRYSTAL KING, let alone th' top floor! … So I'm gonna delivah the goods!

Luigi: Oh yeah? What can YOU do?

Doopliss: Generally, I can do anything that you can do bettah…

Doopliss submerges himself in the shadows, scans Luigi, and emerges back onto the ground, looking exactly the same.

Doopliss: … Especially when I AM you! NYEH NYEH NYEH!

Pennington: I deduce that we're in some deep—

Doopliss: Shut up.

Pennington gets a hammer thrown at his head, which knocks him out.

Luigi: THANK YOU…

Doopliss: Now then…

Luigi takes a fighting stance.

Doopliss: … Look at your partner, now back to me, now back at your partner, now back to me. Thankfully, I'm not him right now, but if he stopped using ladies scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he's me. Look down, back up, where are you? You're still in the exact some place, wondering what in the heck I'm talking about. What's in your hand, back at me. I STOLE YOUR GLOVE FOR NO REASON. Look again, I TOOK YOUR FREAKING BOOT. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN YOU'RE A COMPLETE LUNATIC LIKE ME.

Luigi: … Wha—

Doopliss: HAMMER-TO-THE-HEAD!

Doopliss throws another hammer, this time at Luigi's head.

Luigi: OW!

Doopliss: NYEH NYEH NYEH! I LOVE doin' that!

Luigi: You know what I love doing?

Doopliss: What?

Luigi: THIS!

Luigi throws a can of Axe Body Spray at Doopliss' head, which knocks him off the edge, sending him into the endless abyss.

Doopliss: I'M ON A HORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSEEEEEEE…

Pennington then gets up, shaking his head.

Pennington: What in the Doyle just happened?

Luigi: I don't want to talk about it…

Luigi and Pennington then walk up the daunting stairway, which (from their point of view) is seemingly endless.

Pennington: *panting* Th-This staircase is as long as a Peter Jackson movie!

Luigi: … Or maybe as long as the author actually got around to writing this chapter! Oh yeah. I went there.

After Luigi's painfully true remark, they climb the rest of the stairway, reaching the top floor.

General Guy: Well, well, well, it's you guys again!

Luigi: Oh god, not you… ANYONE but you…

General Guy: All tuckered out from climbing this staircase, eh, runt? Well, that's just too bad! ANTI GUY! OTHER DUDE! Let us mobilize! SHOW THEM NO MERCY!

Anti Guy comes out, carrying one pistol in each hand as Shy Guy feebly waddles over to General Guy.

General Guy: And no tricks this time! This time, we're having a fair fight! At least for ME, anyway… ISN'T THAT, RIGHT, BETSY?

Luigi: … Who's Betsy?

General Guy: She's one of my best friends, of course!

General Guy whips out a bazooka.

General Guy: NOW GET 'IM, BETSY!

General Guy fires ammunition at Luigi, which he quickly dodges. Anti Guy is then trying to fire at Pennington, who is running around, screaming his head off.

Luigi: I don't have time for this! This is like, my 6th battle so far in this darn chapter!

Mario: Hey, YOU'RE one to talk! WHAT ABOUT IN THE NEXT GAME, HUH? WHAT ABOUT THAT?

Luigi blankly stares at Mario (who's suddenly appeared here for no apparent reason). He then throws Mario into "Betsy" right when General Guy was about to blast them again.

General Guy: Oh, dear…

The bazooka then explodes, making the ground turn into rubble, causing everyone standing there to slide down the mountain… except for Luigi and Pennington, who just so happen to be standing a short distance away.

Pennington: Um… do you propose that we should help that Murray-o guy?

Luigi: Nah, he can take care of himself.

Luigi and Pennington then walk through a pair of doors, entering some sort of chamber.

Crystal King: So, we finally meet… But, you see, I cannot let you have the Star Spirit in my possession, FOR WE MUST FI—

Luigi: NOOOOOOO! NO MORE FIGHTING! JUST GIVE ME THE #$%*&!$%# CARD, YOU #$&! GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD!

Crystal King: … O-Okay…

The Crystal King puts the card on the floor and meekly walks away. Luigi then walks over to the card and picks it up.

Luigi: FINALLY!

_END OF CHAPTER!_

_After many, many, MANY months of this chapter not coming out, Luigi got the last Star Spirit, which means he can FINALLY go to Bowser's Castle, not to mention overcome Bowser's newfound power of invincibility! Speaking of, PEACH 'N TWINK TIME, BABEH._

Peach: So, HOW long did it take for this to come out again?

Twink: Well… last time, I talked about the 3DS being announced and it's already BEEN out by now.

Peach: Sheesh… he needs to get his act together!

SHADDUP!

Peach: Well, it's true!

… MAYBEEEE…

Bowser: WHO'R YOU TALKIN' TO?

Bowser barges into the room (once again, ignoring Twink).

Peach: Just the author.  
Bowser: Oh. Well, anyway, um… how are you doing?

Peach: Pretty good, pretty good… now that Luigi's got all of the Star Spirits! He's going to come over here and kick all of your butts!

Bowser: PFFFFFT! Like THAT will ever happe—

Kammy sprints into the room.

Kammy: BARRY!

Bowser: BOWSER!

Kammy: … PHIL! That little whippersnapper's got all of the star thingies now! HE'S GOING TO COME OVER HERE AND KICK ALL OUR BUTTS! I'm messin' my diapers here, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

Bowser: Oh, I guess you guys didn't know…  
Bowser whistles as General Guy and Anti Guy come in carrying Mario, who's tied up.

General Guy: We've got him tied up nice and tight, just like you asked, sir…

Peach: MARIO!

Bowser: YUP! LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GONNA HAVE A TWO-IN-ONE DEAL! MWARHARHAR!

Twink flies over to Bowser.

Twink: You'll never get away with this, you… YOU… POOPIEHEAD.

Bowser: … Did one of you get out the talking Christmas ornaments? YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE THAT.

Twink angrily flies around Bowser, like an annoying housefly.

Bowser: GRRRR… BUZZ OFF, YOU LITTLE PEST!

Bowser punches Twink, which knocks him out and fall out of the balcony…

Peach: TWINK!

Peach turns around.

Peach: HOW COULD YOU? YOU'RE AN EVIL, DESPICABLE MONSTER!

Bowser: I try my best… now, all of you! Go rally up as many troops as you can and put them into position! At the least, I want to delay Luigi as long as possible!

Anti Guy: What about the princess?

Bowser: Restrain her. Lock her up. Do whatever, until I say otherwise. I have… OTHER matters to attend to…

Bowser walks out of the room as Anti Guy walks over to Peach and forcefully grabs her.

Peach: LET GO OF ME! YOU'RE HURTING ME!

Bowser walks up a flight of stairs, to the roof of the castle.

Bowser: In a matter of hours, NO ONE will be able to stop me… not even the Mario Brothers… Everyone will bow down to ME…

Bowser laughs maniacally as he whips out the Star Rod, which glows extremely bright…


End file.
